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Why do we always choose the same type of partner?

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The couples they form follow each other and look alike. They always fall into the same psychological profile, even if it means suffering from it. Why do your romantic choices seem predetermined? And how to get out of this repetition syndrome?

At 31, Eva only falls in love with “absentee subscribers, long-distance travelers or workaholics.” Antoine, 44, has already married three “more or less depressed women, whom he always had to take care of.” These two look alike, except for one sadness. If, for Éva, this inclination “is anecdotal”, Antoine now dreams of “living a shared, serene and harmonious relationship”. Is repetition inevitable?

well established beliefs

First reality: breaking out of your habits is never easy. “Throughout their history, each one develops a belief system that will have a direct influence on their behavior,” explains psychiatrist Jean Cottraux. The idea that a man “should” be active, for example, or the thesis that “we should” take care of others are at the center of our choices. “Linked to our upbringing, to our sociocultural environment, to our past experiences, these thoughts that have become automatic are immovable milestones”, continues the doctor. And make us repeat what we already know.

For those who are sensitive to changes in love, modifying their beliefs, getting off the beaten path, would be equivalent to entering the unknown. And the unconscious opposes it! “Our cognitive patterns are inscribed in the psyche and instinctively push us towards what is identified as something to which we can adapt, with which we know how to live, even survive”, analyzes Jean Cottraux. In this sense, each one has its references: the couples we have formed before, especially the first one, or even that of our parents…

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A past to mend

“Unconsciously, we are all marked by the couple formed by our parents”, remarks the psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen. Does the cliché that girls “fall in love with daddy” and boys “want to marry mommy” make sense? “For some, this fidelity to the figures of the mother or father reassures and legitimizes what they have experienced,” answers the psychoanalyst. For Eva, it is a way of justifying her father’s love for her despite her absence. For Antoine, a reason to believe in the love of her mother despite the illness that she suffered from and that distanced her from him. And when the past is synonymous with wound -lack of paternal recognition for her, of maternal tenderness for him-, the imperative, even unconscious, is to heal it. “To recreate a couple that resembles your parents is to give yourself the opportunity to heal from your childhood wound,” says Monique Fradot, a psychotherapist. So, in order to heal, Eva may be trying to bring her mate home. As for Antoine, if her partner is better because of him, it is he who will be better.

Difficulty loving (oneself)

However, the challenge that these sweet and stubborn want to take on is endless. They either fail and leave their partner, or they win the challenge and then leave to take on other “missions”. “The real challenge is not to heal the other, but to heal oneself, insists the psychotherapist. Love yourself and recognize the value of one apart from the other. »Without having to take care of everything when her companion is not there, for Eva. Without that visceral need to be indispensable to her partner, to Antoine. “Victim, savior or executioner: limiting yourself to one role is also locking the other in the one that has been assigned to them”, acknowledges Monique Fradot. The one that suits us and reinforces what is ours. In this immutable scenario, the first role is for us, the second is for the other. And this other inevitably becomes a mere extra.

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To do ?

Monique Fradot, psychotherapist
“Do not consider these attractions as a curse or even a disease, we all have a type of man or woman. But to help you see clearly, go back in your story. As a child, what role did you play in your family? Today, do you feel free not to support him anymore or, on the contrary, not to reject him anymore? True love is stronger than the past, but it is in the present that we can heal. »

Sophie Cadalen, psychoanalyst
“Ask yourself what you gain by repeating the same scenario. It is not about becoming the culprit, but the actor of your relationship or of those that will come. Ask yourself: what is my interest, in terms of recognition, appreciation, right to a place in the couple? Write it in black and white, if necessary. Because the circle breaks its course as soon as it ceases to be beneficial, beneficial to oneself, in the literal sense. »

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Read

The rehearsal of life scenarios by Jean Cotraux
Understand how, by fidelity to certain mental patterns, we reproduce the same mistakes
(Odile Jacob, “Pockets”, 2003).

Because the ? Because she ? Our partners heal ust by Monique Fradot and Danièle Chinès
A decipherment of our love stories, from the first date to the first crisis. Until the achievement of bidirectional equilibrium
(JC Lattes, 2005).

how did they get away with it

Stephanie, 39 years old
“For a long time I was in love with lying, aggressive and manipulative men. Without really knowing why. Of course, there was this childhood injury, my father’s incestuous behavior, a family secret… But I didn’t make the connection. However, two years ago, when I dared to speak the truth and confront my parents, I felt the relief of an immense burden. Released and free to meet a different man. What happened. »

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Matthew, 38 years old
“Since my first relationships, I only fell in love with unavailable women: married women, who lived on the other side of the world or who worked 24 hours a day… Two years ago, a new failure plunged me into a deep depression. Then a friend convinced me to stay single for a while, “let’s see”… That had never happened to me! I lasted more than a year. I took the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life, particularly as a couple. It helped me see more clearly into my needs and expectations. Six months ago, an “old” friend invited me to dinner. She’s a girl I’ve never even looked at before, she was so…available! Soon we will move in together. »

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Family / Couple

Tinker Bell – Tinker Bell Syndrome

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Tinker Bell fairies are bright and ambitious women who also happen to be great seductresses and manipulators. Eternally dissatisfied, the Clochettes hide, behind their obsession with appearance and success, great suffering. And they would be more and more numerous in our society. Explanations with psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.

He receives more and more in his office: brilliant women, who collect successes and professional achievements; hyperactive people who seek to control everything, starting with themselves; The “superwomen” doubled as great seductresses. So much so that Sylvie Tenenbaum, a psychotherapist, called them “Les Clochette”, in reference to the little fairy imagined by the writer James M. Barrie, with whom they share much in common. Starting with great suffering. We knew about the Peter Pan syndrome, or that of Cinderella or that of Sleeping Beauty. Now here is the tinkerbell syndrome.

The Bells are angry

Ambitious, often arrogant, perfectionists… The bells are ready to do anything to achieve their ends. “They are in a form of violence in front of life, because they take a form of revenge, analyzes Sylvie Tenenbaum. It’s also about revenge, in a difficult childhood, where they were often criticized, abused, humiliated, manipulated. During this, they stored a good dose of anger. And anger is energy, which they will later channel towards professional and social success. »

” He symptoms of tinker bell syndrome form a coherent whole, explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. We speak of syndrome when we recognize most of these signs in a single personality. »

The Clochettes are afraid of their emotions.

Tinkerbell fairies are women who have suffered a lot during their childhood. Of toxic fathers, possessive or self-centered mothers, misogynistic or absent fathers… “Most of the time they did not have the same permissions as their brothers, if they did, they did not value them as girls, or they raised them to be the first all. hour. So they told themselves that to be loved, you had to be successful. And above all, that they should not express their emotions. Which constitute, for them, real weaknesses. “They are afraid of them because they think they can take away their strength. And strength, it is true that they have a lot.

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How to manage the hassle?

Sometimes we react inappropriately and negatively when faced with a nuisance. However, it is not always pleasant either for oneself or for those around you.

Clochettes are great seducers

In terms of affective life, the Clochette multiply the encounters and conquests. But they are rarely satisfied. “The men they meet are never good enough. And since they do not have an easy character, at the slightest disappointment they are immediately fired. They have been so frustrated in the past that they cannot bear the slightest annoyance.

In fact, they despise men, having suffered greatly from their father during their childhood. Therefore, they just expect them to be worshipped. But in reality, the Tinkerbell suffers from a form of emotional dependency. “They are still little girls waiting to be loved unconditionally. Very unconsciously, they expect men to repair their psycho-affective life. But it can’t work because nobody can give them what they didn’t receive in childhood”.

The Tinkerbells hurt each other

Their affective, professional and social hyperactivity allows them in any case one thing: not to think about their suffering. Because if the Clochettes seem to succeed at everything, they are actually suffering. Injure. Victims of themselves. “They don’t know who they are. They didn’t even ask the question. They just live to prove that they are the best, the most beautiful, the strongest. They are in a form of intoxication. Most of the time, they realize very late the loneliness in which they are locked up. And then they become aware of their immense sadness for not having been loved enough or badly.

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Childhood stress, difficult to detect and often underestimated

Just like adults, children can become unsettled and stressed by changes in landmarks or unusual events.

The bells hurt

Meanwhile, they do a lot of damage to those around them. For this egocentric womeninsensitive, manipulative, tyrannical and jealous, “others are objects at his service”. They don’t respect them. They would like the world to live just for them. We have been tyrannical with them for so long. Unfortunately, they copied their models. But this damage that they do and that they do to themselves, they don’t even realize.

tinker bells can break free

Fortunately, the Clochettes can change, “live better, have less heartbreak.” On condition of being helped. “It is a difficult path because it generates a lot of awareness. In particular that of having made others suffer. Generally, they are not proud of it. »

The key to transformation? “The repair of the girl that is in them and that she is still waiting for marks of love. It’s time to cultivate it”. Also renounce omnipotence, to meet your own emotions. And above all, “learn to love yourself better, to love yourself better”.

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Family / Couple

Couple: are you in an “invisible divorce”?

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Life together is far from being a long and calm river. If some couples end divorce Where break awayOthers stick together, but not always for the right reasons. In a Article From Psychology Today, Barbara Greenberg, Psy.D., explains this new phenomenon she has encountered as a therapist: invisible divorce. Some couples seem to work perfectly on the outside, they look happy on social media and their vacation photos are idyllic. However, under the social veneer, the reality is much less rosy. These couples are nothing more than a partnership that operates almost like a business. Explanations.

The 4 signs of an invisible divorce

We all knew this couple who looked so perfect, to whom everything seemed to succeed. we envy them secretly, wishing they were as happy as they looked. And then what was our surprise when we found out a few years after their separation. The phrase “invisible divorce” might be a good description of what was going on in your privacy : these couples had evolved separately and their union was ultimately just a facade.

the doctor Barbara Greenberg identified some signs that he believes could indicate that a couple is going through a invisible divorce :

  • the couple operates as a business where the main concerns would be children and finances;
  • there is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy between partners;
  • at least one of the two partners feels that their needs are not being met;
  • one and/or the other may go elsewhere to meet their physical or emotional needs.
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These couples would be like “parallel lines, living together but functioning separately”, illustrates the psychologist. So why don’t they break up? He reasons they are extremely diverse and varied according to Greenberg. It may be that one of the two spouses fears the financial consequences After a separation, some remain together for “the good of the children.” Others just aren’t ready to break away and make the decision to stay together even when you are not happy.

A frustrating and toxic married life

“These marriages are emotionally exhausting and frustrating,” adds the psychologist. As good as the reasons that would push you to remain in this type of union may seem, you put endangered his mental health and well-being. These people describe a daily life full of frustrations and disappointments. They feel disconnected from their partner. If you recognized yourself in the signs listed above, have them courage to face the situation, advises the therapist. “Try to renew the dialogue with your partner and restore healthy and harmonious communication. Talk about what worries you and your expectations, being as honest as possible, ”he recommends.

However, yes, the dialogue seems impossible or leads to a dead end, it is better to part when the feelings no longer exist. the invisible divorce it would be “toxic to both partners,” Greenberg concludes.

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Family / Couple

Couple: the 3 worst love killers revealed by Science

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A healthy relationship is based on trust, sincere feelings, and a certain amount of personal sacrifice. But the recipe for happiness as a couple does not exist and human relationships are so complex that lovers can sometimes go through some storms. Of the routine small annoyances that can even destroy the intimacy of the couple, the discussions sometimes result from particular behaviors : love kills them. As its name indicates, a love killer is the trigger for a breakup or the end of love. This is what makes a person stop wanting her partner.

Australian researchers have investigated the question to scientifically identify the behaviors that could be the worst killers of love. To do this, they conducted a survey of 5,500 single people between the ages of 21 and 76. Participants had to determine what could turn them off in a potential mate (physical characteristics, behavior, etc.). Result: three answers stand out from the majority of the panel, allowing us to define the most devastating love killers.

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A permanent need for affection.

Finally, it is the excessive need for affection that, for 69% of women and 57% of men, can endanger a love relationship. People who constantly seek attention and displays of affection from your partner You may face relationship difficulties. Therefore, it is important to leave enough space so as not to undermine the other person’s sense of freedom. Lack of affection, also characteristic of Tinkerbell syndrome can be a sign of lack of self confidencewhich must be repaired at no cost to the member.

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