Mystery, fear, adventure, desire, the feeling of fully existing: five criteria to help better understand what true love is.
“But why do you stay with him (with her)? How many times have we asked our friends caught up in painful stories this question? How many times have we wondered what drives them to persevere in unsatisfying relationships? No, that’s for sure, that’s not what love is. So what is it? A feeling that would make us immutably happy?
Certainly not, psychoanalysis tells us. Love, the “true”, has nothing to do with serenity. Even after the course of the merger of the beginnings, and contrary to what one might imagine, love is not comfortable; it shakes, it trembles, it mysteriously unites us in an epic that escapes all rationality. Scan for some telltale signs.
Find the mysterious other
Love is a mystery for those who experience it, a mystery for those who observe it. We observe, but we do not understand. Why ? Because what unites us to the other is inexplicable. To truly love is to go towards someone, not only because of their image (their beauty, their resemblance to this or that), nor because of what they symbolize (a father, a mother, power, money), but because of their secret. That secret that we do not know how to name, and that will find ours: a lack felt since childhood, a singular, indefinable suffering. “Love is for our part of the unknown,” explains psychoanalyst Patrick Lambouley.
There is an emptiness in us that can cause our loss, cause us to kill ourselves. Well, love is the meeting of two wounds, two defects, sharing with someone what we radically miss and that we will never be able to say. True love is not “Show me what you have” or “Give me what you have to make up for what I lack” but “I love the way you’re trying to heal, I like your scar.”
Nothing to do with the “half orange” hypothesis, a variation of the Feast of Plato (LGF, “The Pocket Book”), who wants us to be incomplete because they are cut in two. Love would then make us “one” and happy! “This is the cause of the forced bankruptcy of many couples, observes Patrick Lambouley. Quand certains s’aperçoivent qu’ils ressentent encore une dissatisfaction, ils s’imaginent que est parce qu’ils n’ont pas trouvé l’homme ou la femme qu’il leur “fallait”, et qu’ils doivent en change. This is obviously not the case. To truly love is to say to the other: “I care about you”. »
be afraid of losing it
To love is to be afraid. All time. freud in malaise of civilization (1), explains it this way: we become dependent because the other will always have to support us in existence. Hence the fear of losing it. Brilliant explanation from Monique Schneider. (two), philosopher and psychoanalyst: “Loving implies taking risks. It provokes a phenomenon of vertigo, sometimes even of rejection: you can break love because you are too afraid of it, sabotage it by trying to trust yourself, downplay it by clinging to an activity in which everything depends on yourself. All this amounts to protecting ourselves from the exorbitant power of the other over us. »
All the more so, Freud insists again, that Eros and Thanatos go hand in hand. I love you, I destroy you. Is Eros our desire to lovingly unite with each other? Thanatos is the death drive that pushes us to break the bond so that our self remains almighty. Love pushes out of itself, the ego fights it. “It is difficult to give up oneself, deciphers the psychoanalyst Jean-Jacques Moscovitz (3). We feel good when we like something to throw at us.
Love touches our being, what we are in the world. Few people realize this. They are alone and feel good in this solitude since they are now sheltered from this death drive. But when in love we have survived heartbreaks, conflicts, we reach a formidable zone where feelings rebound. True love is not a commercial contract: it is a violent feeling that puts both spouses in danger. We must never forget it when we doubt, when the other seems to “displease” us. “When someone defends himself, explains Monique Schneider, that does not mean that he is not in love. He may just be afraid of finding his hands tied. »
1. malaise of civilization by Sigmund Freud (OFW).
2. Monique Schneider, author of The cause of love, Freud, Spinoza, Racine (Limit).
3. Jean-Jacques Moscovitz, author oflove hypothesis (Calmann-Levy).
Agree to engage with him in the unknown.
There is nothing written. The romanticism of the passion that would explode and then go to a foreseeable extinction is a myth. Love doesn’t always take a downward slope. You can take a reverse route. We have to accept that we have no control over our feelings. “We do not enter a voluntaristic or methodical universe,” adds Monique Schneider. We can go through contrasting episodes. Going through moments of ecstatic happiness means that one can then fall from a great height, of course.
But being convinced that love is never safe means that we have inherited a past that prevents us from believing in ourselves and in each other. To truly love, you almost have to believe in some kind of miracle. Freud speaks of believing in expectation. It is necessary to maintain the fire that can be rekindled, so as not to demand immediate satisfaction. “Accept the unknown, be patient…
Without a doubt: to love is to love the other. Better, confirms Jean-Jacques Moscovitz: “Making love helps to love. Without bodily exchange nothing is done in love. Love requires pleasure because there is desire. And lovers who love each other know an additional joy. The difference between the sexes is nullified in the report. We no longer know who is one and who is the other. The two merge. There is divestment of the value of the organ. We are body. It is overwhelming enjoyment. Without love, pleasure is experienced as a means to get rid of tension, while to enjoy an emotion that releases waves, vibrations, a strong experience, you have to really love: “In love you get a different enjoyment”, adds Monique Schneider. .
Does a decrease in desire mean a loss of love? Not at all: “There are moments of happiness in which we are so happy that the other is what he is that we can simply be satisfied with the fact that he exists,” recalls Monique Schneider. Beyond these moments of contemplation, other women dissociate love and desire. “It is not that there are fewer feelings, develops Jean-Jacques Moscovitz. On the contrary. It’s a bit like giving too much makes them disappear. Here something of the child that is not settled comes into play, an ideal of love too anchored in the paternal ideal. They were women and they are girls again: the relationship seems incestuous to them. The paternal dimension takes over, perhaps to protect itself from that fear of being dissolved in the clinch. »
These women take refuge in an adoring love, mistrusting the sexual relationship, which again must be tamed. They can then pass through another form of physical relationship, that of the embrace: wrapping the other, carrying him as if he were inside himself. And when the impulse returns, the desire follows. Nothing fixed in these ebbs and flows. Everything comes and goes.
“To be loved is to feel justified in existing,” Sartre said in essence. True love is this experience of legitimizing the world, this illusion that our love is unique. The other is the embodied ideal, and we exist thanks to his gaze. Love returns us to the condition of a child convinced of his omnipotence, convinced that if he did not exist, the world would lack something. We choose each other.
This biblical theme of the Chosen One, Freud takes up again by himself to clearly distinguish true love from charitable love turned towards good. We invest in each other. We recognize its radical importance: we esteem it, we value it, we believe it is irreplaceable. We made a discovery, we discovered a treasure. We are no longer alone.
The other also brings us his world, an opening to other horizons, emotions that we did not perceive with the same intensity before. We are more “awakened”. We have the feeling of being safe since he knew how to discover us. “Truly loving intensifies our feeling of existing,” concludes Monique Schneider.
==> Challenge yourself!
As you like? Do you live love more in proximity or in distance, in protection or in need of support, in serene acceptance of the other? To find out which profile you are closest to, answer the questions in this test as honestly as possible.
The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm
Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.
Angling: rotation of the hips during penetration.
For reaching orgasm, women redouble their inventiveness and are experts in little-known methods. Thus, 87.5% of the respondents explained that they made vaginal penetration more pleasurable using the angling technique (which translates as “angling” in French). In practice, this means turning, lifting or lowering the pelvis/hips during penetration to adjust where the penis (or dildo) rubs inside the vagina depending on the sensations and the pleasure experienced.
Rocking: clitoral stimulation
About 76% of women do the More pleasurable vaginal penetration with the rocking technique: the base of a penis or a sex toy. constantly rubbing her clitoris during penetration, stay inside the vagina instead of moving back and forth in and out.
Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch
84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.
Pairing: have fun alone or with your partner
Finally, 69.7% of women go more often thanks to pairing. This position can be orchestrated alone or in pairs: then we are talking about solo park or of couple matchmaking. The principle is simple: the woman leans over to stimulate her clit with a finger or a sex toy. At the same time, her vagina can be penetrated for even more sensations.
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Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice
It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.
What is the breathing game?
ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.
However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.
Navel play: What is this sexual practice that raises the temperature under the duvet? https://t.co/IsFNfa7plx
— Psychologies (@Psychologies_) September 20, 2022
L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.
A sexual practice that can be deadly
Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.
Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.
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Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship
the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.
Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?
While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.
Couple: How to solidify your relationship with romantic nostalgia https://t.co/cFsJD1IBCT
— Psychologies (@Psychologies_) November 10, 2022
However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.
When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis
According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.
And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.
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