“Allowing yourself to be the main subject of your own thoughts and actions allows you to evolve,” explains Anne Laure Buffet, therapist and author of the book. Mothers who hurt (Eyrolles editions) ). Being able to say to yourself: “I want, I wish, I decide, I like it…”, is to flourish in your adult life. However, some mothers prevent this crucial step in the development of her son, who, despite the passing of the years, is unable to repress this intrusive questioning: “What will my mother think of this?”

When the mother-son relationship creates too much discomfort for the child who has become an adult and prevents him from living his life, cutting ties is sometimes the only solution.

The toxicity of the mother as the origin of this decision

When an adult decides to cut ties with his mother, it is often because the foundation of the mother-child relationship is lacking. This weakness is sometimes due to the mother’s toxic behavior towards her child. What characterizes a Toxic mother, explains Anne Laure Buffet, is “her attitude, her behaviour, her personality and the way she interacts with her child”. preventing him from being autonomous and empowered.”

• If the adult grew up with a possessive, controlling and omnipresent mother:

As a child he was not considered as an individual in his own right but because of what he brings or should bring to the mother. His judgment on him continues as the boy becomes an adult. The mother presents herself as “possessing knowledge and refuses any questioning.” For example, she prohibits any secret garden because everything that does not correspond to the determined framework is judged as lacking. This toxic behavior makes the person “incapable of establishing an affectionate and loving relationship with anyone else in his adult life, since he remains attached to his mother as if her life depended on it.” In this situation, the mother’s presence ends up becoming oppressive, which can push the adult, wanting to free himself and live his own life, to disengage.

The mother’s omnipresence can also turn into intrusive behavior that she justifies by an “overflow of affection”, as Brigitte Allain-Dupré, psychoanalyst and author of the book, points out. Healing of his mother (Eyrolles editions). For example, the mother intervenes in the professional, private, friendly, romantic, and sometimes intimate life of her son.

• If the adult grew up with an abusive mother

“Until I was 40 years old, I was afraid of my mother, her judgment, her words and her mood swings. It was both bipolar and wickedly narcissistic to me,” says Nathalie, 52. His mother’s behavior pushed him to leave the family nest at the age of 20 and to completely break the paternal bond more than twenty years later, noticing despite the years and the distance that his mother had not changed. She remembers: “After another event where my mother was hateful to me on a social network, I decided to stop everything. She tried to contact me twice, playing on my heartstrings, but when I didn’t respond, her true face appeared.

“This maternal toxicity, notes Anne-Laure Buffet, can result in a desire to harm or harm through physical and/or psychological abuse.” When this violence is expressed physically, it can take the form of slapping, spanking, hitting (physical violence against children is prohibited and punishable by the law since July 10, 2019). When it is psychological and affective, violence implies permanent criticism, humiliation, degrading comments or even insults. This behavior can be explained by the envious and jealous character of the mother. A woman is more likely to look down on her child, especially if she is a girl, if she envies her physical assets or her success.

• If the adult grew up with a deficient mother:

In such a situation, the child often grows up “too fast” and does not know a period of frankness and peace because he finds himself very young in the care of his brothers or sisters, or assuming the role of messenger between parents. It also happens that he must receive confidences from his mother, on an affective, romantic and sometimes sexual level. The mother-son relationship is reversed, explains Brigitte Allain-Dupré: “The mother turns the child into her confidant, on whom she discharges her parental responsibilities and her duties. She can’t play the role of mother because she is raising her own child”.

• If the adult grew up with a cold mother:

When the mother is not emotionally present enough and is always cold with her child, it is likely that the latter suffers from emotional deprivation and develops insecurities such as fear of abandonment.

This toxic behavior may be due to “a lack of ‘positive maternal madness’ at the time of the child’s birth,” says Brigitte Allain-Dupré, who refers by this to a mother’s awe of her baby and her devotion to curing and curing him. . she understands it.

When their child is born, some women do not feel these emotions and find it difficult to bond. The psychoanalyst recalls the story of a patient: “She told me that as soon as her daughter came out of her womb, she knew that he was not going to get along with her because the little girl did not have the same eyes as hers. other daughters. This woman was going through a difficult time professionally and she wanted a child to make up for her difficulties in her job. After this false start, she struggled to breastfeed and developed a toxic relationship with her daughter.

When do you realize that your mother is toxic and that you have to leave?

Deciding to cut ties with your mother takes time, and there is no sudden click. Consciousness begins in a subtle way. “As children, we are equipped to receive kindness and tenderness, so we don’t really realize that our mother is toxic,” says psychoanalyst Brigitte Allain-Dupré. However, even as a child, you can feel a certain discomfort in the relationship you have with your mother and evoke it by rebelling.

Faced with a child who rebels, the mother can understand that this behavior is actually a search for her affection. If the mother can’t read her child’s anguish, she becomes increasingly harsh and toxic.

Adolescence is a strong period during which the child can feel discomfort in the relationship with his mother. The psychoanalyst points out: “The adolescent feels it when he has trouble getting home, when he prefers family over his friends or when he locks himself up in a romantic relationship”. relationship to create a parenthesis that feels good.

But it also happens that a person opens his eyes to the relationship with his mother much later in life. However, it is usually in adulthood when the emotional separation occurs. According to Brigitte Allain-Dupré, “there is an instinctive dimension to the feeling of discomfort, then one day an event occurs and this triggers anguish, sadness or anger. The best thing is to listen to that voice that says ‘save your skin’ and leave”.

References :

Anne Laure Buffet, therapist and author of the book Mothers who hurt (Eyrolles editions)

Brigitte Allain-Dupré, psychoanalyst and author of the book Healing of his mother (Eyrolles editions)

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