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Spend Christmas alone | Psychologies.com

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Every year, in mid-December, your cousin repeats with conviction that it will be the last time he will undergo this pantomime. He will spend Christmas alone.! It’s not that he hates the family, but all this fuss and spending and excess shocks and irritates him. Next year, for sure, he will be on top of a mountain, in the greatest of solitudes. And yet, this year as every year, he is there to complain about the price of chocolates.

Why spending Christmas alone is frowned upon

Ironically, although we live in an increasingly “atomized” society, the highest expression of individualism ( enjoy spending time alone) is frowned upon. Constantly connected with others through social networks, emails, smartphones, we spend less and less time alone… without being interrupted. Leaving the laptop turned off or, worse still, not having it is considered marginal, even antisocial. Wanting to be alone is similar to an “abnormal” act, a fortiori the day of the Christmaswhen this claim almost borders on perversion!

So, do you suppose to spend Christmas alone or do you feel obligated to share family?

“It is better to be alone than in bad company”, says the proverb. when ever it isOne option. In the days leading up to Christmas, SOS Amitié (who mostly suffers from loneliness, even isolation) receives more calls than the rest of the year. But, at the same time, December is also the month with the lowest suicide rate of the year (Source: Persee.fr).

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A good time to come back to yourself

Some point out that the Family food They are conducive to disputes. However, they do not arise in all families, nor are they systematic.

On the other hand, spending this time away from everyone can be a necessary withdrawal for recharge the batteries, a matter of personality. Why then not theassume?

The relationship with others Depending on whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, it is not the same. Outgoing people don’t necessarily want to be the center of attention; on the other hand, they draw their energy when they are surrounded by people. Introverts are not necessarily shy or reserved people; simply, to recharge their batteries, they need to immerse themselves in their inner world. When the introvert will choose a good book instead of an evening with friends, the extrovert they prefer to interact with people.

Although these personality types represent two extremes of a broad spectrum, introversion is often seen as a pathology instead of a natural temperament.

However, it is this natural behavior that is expressed through introverts’ need for solitude, especially at Christmas, when the whirlwind of family celebrations occurs.

Because, at the same time, the “pastry chefs’ truce” is in many ways an opportunity to enjoy a little solitude. Offices closed or in slow motion, quiet streets, longer nights… The hustle and bustle of everyday life is calming down. For those who need it, this rare oasis of tranquillityit is the perfect time to sit and meditate. And recharge.

How to deal with the reaction of loved ones

This year, therefore, you have decided to spend Christmas away from your loved ones for all the good reasons mentioned above. But how do you tell them when they expect to see you next to her? No doubt they will begin by being compassionate, imagining all kinds of impediments. But when they realize that the reason you don’t join them is because you don’t want to, you will definitely have to face their consternation.

Among them, some, concerned about their comfort and understanding, will not try to dissuade you. Others, however, will be offended. Why ? Maybe they imagine in your house a Value judgment , as if you were saying to them: “All that energy, all that money that you invest in making Christmas a special day, it is not worth it. »

ignore convention

Reject the community character of Christmas challenges the rarely questioned belief that “it can’t be done any other way.” And often it is this belief that people who are not attached to convention suddenly call into question: when they realize that they are submitting to the tyranny of “what is done”, “what should be”.

Go against convention to spend the holidays alone it requires a lot of courage and determination. This is not within the reach of everyone, because the price to pay in justifying dissatisfied family members is usually very high.

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In this case, the solutioncould be a commitment: once the food has been swallowed, retire to finish the holidays in perfect isolation. It is Christmas after all – treat yourself!

to go further

==> Challenge yourself!

Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Even a bit shy, he seeks the company of others. Or on the contrary, easy contact, you also need long moments of solitude. So… are you an extrovert or an introvert? Our 20 question quiz will help you answer that question.

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Separation: the signs that can predict the breakup three months in advance

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A study published in February 2021, in the scientific journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, made it possible to identify certain elements of idiom what would allow predict a breakup three months before it happens. To achieve this, researchers from the University of Texas analyzed more than a million posts on romantic relationships on the Reddit site. They discovered that the vocabulary used by users changed three months before the split and didn’t return to normal until about six months later. “It would seem that even before the people involved are aware of the breakup, it starts to affect their lives,” said Sarah Seraj, one of the study’s author psychologists.

Different “language markers”

According to the researchers, we do not pay a particular attention the expressions, pronouns and prepositions that we use daily. Now, these function words say a lot about our life situation, so they change perceptibly when our the psychological and emotional state deteriorates. “Whether the person leaves their partner or vice versa, the language markers changed up to three months before the breakup,” adds the psychologist.

The language used becomes more personal and informal, indicating a decline in analytical thinking. According to the expert, these people use pronouns like “I” Where “to meto the detriment of “we” or “we”, more attached to the notion of a couple. This indicator would be a signal of a heavy mental load, illustrating going through an intense period of internal reflection and rumination, making us more centered in ourselves Furthermore, the frequent use of the pronoun “I” would be associated with sadness and depressiondetails Sarah Seraj. When we are depressed, we focus more on ourselves and are less and less able to relate to others.

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Those significant changes they reached their climax at the time of the breakup and lasted up to six months later, even though those concerned discussed topics other than their separation or love life.

Our language, responsible for our traumas?

Scientists have also discovered that it is our idiom which would be largely responsible our ability or not to heal and overcome the trauma of a breakup. The people who kept the same way of speaking until a year later separation, by continually evoking and remembering this painful episode, took the longest to recover and move on. And this, regardless of the trauma experienced: divorce, loss of a loved one or other emotional upset, according to the researchers. “Thanks to this study, we can better understand the different challenges of life, being more attentive to our way of speaking,” concludes Kate Blackburn, psychologist.

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‘Sex Debt’: Why Women Sometimes Feel Pressured to Have Unwanted Sex

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The conversation

Faced with such attention, many of them have sometimes agreed to engage in sexual experiences (kissing, caressing, oral sex, sexual relations) with men without necessarily wanting to, but out of a feeling of responsibility. This sense of responsibility was also expressed by some young men in same-sex relationships.

In this article, however, we choose to focus on heterosexual relationships, where this logic has emerged most markedly.

Les jeunes femmes rencontrées explicant que, si elles ont acepté, ce n’est pas parce qu’elles n’arrivent pas à dire non, mais parce qu’elles auraient dû se douter qu’en acceptant ces faveurs, elles créeraient des attentes sexualles in his house.

Always willing men and always sexually available women?

Sexuality, like other social practices, can be understood as a space where sexual relations materialize.

If the young women interviewed feel more indebted to sex than the young men, it is because they are subject to behavioral expectations linked to a system of binary representations of sexuality called “heteronormativity”.

In this system, sex corresponds to gender and heterosexuality is the norm.

In this logic, the sexual roles of men and women are understood as different and complementary: male sexuality is characterized by assertiveness, sexual performance, virility, and sexual desire associated with physiological needs. Female sexuality, of a relational nature, is linked to affectivity and conjugality.

Various studies show that these representations are still the majority in our societies today.

according to one French survey, 73% of French women and 59% of men adhere to the belief that “by nature, men have more sexual needs than women”. Also according to this survey, this belief has an impact on the sexual practices of women who recognize that they are more willing to have sex without wanting to.

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An investigation carried out in Switzerland among young people aged 26 on average reveals that 53% of the women surveyed have agreed to have sexual relations. without desire.

Sex “debts”

The results of our study point in the same direction and highlight that the heteronormative order engenders what can be called “sex debts”. We are interested in sexual transactions, that is, sexual experiences associated with an economic, material and/or symbolic exchange.

As for young women, our analyzes show that if they are found more often than young men accepting unwanted sexual transactionsit is due to the fact that in the “gender order”, female sexuality is posed as a “sexual debt” that leads them to feel indebted to the sexual expectations of men.

However, by consenting to sexual transactions without necessarily wanting it, women confirm their own “sexual debt” to men, which is to ensure an assertive, determined and desiring sexuality, and which sometimes leads them to show (apparent) detachment from women. demands.

Thus, women and men come together in the complementarity of their “sexual debts”, but in a hierarchical relationship: women think that they have no choice but to offer their sexuality in response to the supposed expectations of men, to whom they affirm that they do not they have no choice but to be willing, sexually available, and successful.

Consequently, they reproduce, without necessarily wanting it, “gender order”.

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Consent: A Negotiation Process

Sexual experiences are part of a reciprocal bargaining relationship where, depending on the situation, not everything is arranged in advance. In the case we are analyzing, the young people retain a certain freedom, which allows them to negotiate the rest of the transaction, despite the feeling of responsibility that may arise.

In particular, some young women have stated that they find some advantages in these unwanted sexual relations, which can be material (housing, food, etc.) and/or symbolic (feeling of recognition, protection, etc.). Other young women refuse to conform to the expectations linked to their gender and adopt behaviors more associated with the masculine gender, for example being assertive both verbally and in attitude or clearly expressing their limits and leaving little room for what is implicit and misunderstandings.

However, these strategies often have a limited effect, since they consist of changing the behavior of women, without questioning the heterosexual order within which these behaviors occur.

These results show that sexual consent is a complex process that cannot be reduced to saying “yes” or “no” and that “accepting” does not necessarily mean “wanting”.

Thus, the feeling of responsibility reveals the logic associated with a “gender order” based on heteronormativity. However, sexual consent is not the sole responsibility of individuals, especially women, to assert their rights. Our conclusions invite us to understand sexual consent as a negotiation process, between conformity to gender norms and the bargaining power of individuals.

An article published in The conversation through Mirian CarbajalProfessor, University of Social Work, Western Swiss University of Applied Sciences (HES-SO) and Anamaria ColomboProfessor, Friborg University of Social Work, Western Swiss University of Applied Sciences (HES-SO).

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A dad gives 4 tips to help mom while breastfeeding

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Breastfeeding is a moment of sharing and helps strengthen the bond of attachment between mother and baby. However, it can often make you thirsty, hungry, or very tired. Many dads want to help more but don’t always know how. This was the case of Cédric Rostein, father of a three-year-old girl and author. By dint of testing and taking initiatives, he found some tips that he wants to share in his book “You’re going to be a dad.”

guarantee logistics

It’s these simple little gestures that, once you get used to it, make everyday life easier. We all have them in our homes and it works the same way when there is a baby in the home. “It is to make sure that all the equipment is ready, for example to extract the milk, wash it, sanitize it, buy what is missing…”, illustrates the young father.

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