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Slow sex: enjoy in conscience

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What if the secret of a full and intense sexuality was slowness? This is the belief of the American sex therapist Diana Richardson, author of Slow Sex, make love conscientiously.

Slow down to discover new sensations while staying connected to your emotions. According to Diana Richardson, who teaches slow sex in her workshops since 1993, she urgently needs to learn to give her body a voice. “We suggest slowing down and being fully present in every moment of sex rather than making love so intensely orgasmic that we lose the ability to feel subtle nuances throughout sexual union,” she writes in her book’s introduction. Slow Sex, make love conscientiously. A conception of sexuality contrary to our dominant culturethat associates desire and pleasure solely with drive and arousal.

“Slowing down in the sexual encounter is the basis of Tantrism and Taoism,” says Alain Héril, sex therapist and trainer. This approach allows a remobilization of our senses, opens a space for emotions and frees, especially men, from the obligation to perform. »

Same observation for Mireille Dubois-Chevalier, medical sexologist and couples therapist, who considers the slowdown as the “gateway to sexology”. Whether to treat premature ejaculation problems or to restore the bond and desire in long-term relationships. It is no coincidence, she continues, that the pioneers of modern sexology, William Masters and Virginia Johnson, developed the sense of focus, a method of slow and conscious exploration of the body, which turns it into a sensory experimentation laboratory. »

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Slow sex, why and how? Sex therapist Alain Héril answered all your questions. Find your trades here.

Forget performance

However, it is not enough to be convinced of the benefits of slowness to put it into practice easily.

“The most difficult thing is undoubtedly to change the temporality, explains Pilar López, therapist and sophrologist. In our culture, and therefore in our minds, time must be profitable. Including the time of sexuality, hence the conditioning to get straight to the point, namely orgasm. the slow sex, it is exactly the opposite: pleasure is the way; the caresses, the look are the associated sensations and emotions. Head and body become one. »

For Alain Héril, this change in temporality also makes it possible to put the other in the place of a partner and not just that of an instrument of pleasure. “By slowing down, we become more aware of him or her, of her uniqueness, physical and emotional, we are in a relationship of otherness and equality: we are all both active and passive. »

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A postulate that can initially confuse men, but also free them from too heavy a responsibility. “Many of them complain of being the ones who bear all the responsibility for their partner’s arousal and pleasure, points out the sex therapist; This rebalancing of roles allows everyone to give and take, thereby reducing pressure and frustration. »

A sophrological striptease

To slow down is to be more aware of oneself and of the other, but also of oneself under the gaze of the other. “It’s not that simple, especially for those who suffer from inhibitions and complex, says Mireille Dubois-Chevalier. That is why I recommend the regular practice, even daily, of relaxation, in bed or in the bathtub; just relax your muscles and feel in your body, relaxed. Simply because a tense, tense body finds it hard to feel. The more we relax, the more we feel; the more we feel, the less we look at each other and the more we abandon each other in an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect. »

To relax, Pilar López advises practicing a “sophrological striptease”. This consists of imagining that with each garment that we take off, we abandon a complex or a concern.

“Once naked, he explains, we are free and available. It works very well, women who practice it can not believe it. we are then willing to be guided by his body. By letting go of inhibitions, expectations, representations to focus on sensations and explore new ones, we rediscover ourselves and also realize that it is we who restrict our sexuality and sensoriality. The body, on the other hand, only asks for one thing when you make love: that you unplug your head and leave the reins to it! »

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“Tantra is not just about sex”
Who says tantra, says sex, we think many times. And the promise of a sacred sexuality, erotic massages, or techniques to have more pleasure… But this philosophy not only opens the way to a different sexuality. It is also a royal path for personal development. A journey towards oneself (…).

in focus slow sex, the sensory environment plays an important role. Smells, colors and materials contribute to putting the senses back at the center of the intimate encounter.

“Baths and massages also take on an erotic dimension that sanctifies the moment”, explains Alain Héril. It is about honoring each other personally and reciprocally. It is no coincidence that Tantrism considers the body as a temple. The decorum that surrounds the meeting favors, in fact, slowness, because everything is there to be savored with the five senses, and this, obviously, is not done in a hurry. »

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interrogate each other

Fixing the place, preparing the meeting in conscience are already part of the ritual of love. “And the best way not to put pressure on yourself is to consider it as a simple sensual and sensory experience,” advises Mireille Dubois-Chevalier. If it turns into an erotic and sexual encounter, that’s fine; if it’s still sensual and sensory, that’s fine too. The important thing is to feel well-being in depth and get rid of habitual sexuality. »

Massaging, caressing, talking to each other, exploring new erogenous zones… All this is part of the slow sex. “The goal is really to vary the pleasures of the body and surprise yourself,” says Pilar López. Our brain does not like surprises. However, slowing down to invent new ways of feeling destabilizes you, and that is what renews the excitement and fuels the desire. »

However, professionals warn, it is not about making slowness the new norm and the Holy Grail of sexuality. A more impulsive animal practice is also part of human sexuality.

“It has in its origin a healthy aggressiveness that should not disappear. The important thing is that each couple can feel free to joyfully experience the different facets of their sexuality”, concludes Alain Héril. Free to enjoy at your own pace, according to your desires and moods. No obligation of results. Finally !

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They tasted love in slow motion

Alexia and Simon have been in a seven-year relationship and have a 4-year-old daughter. After reading slow sex, they wanted to “make love in conscience”. They say.

“The fun was explosive”
Alexia, 36 years old

“I set up our date one night when our daughter was with her grandparents. Incense, candles, music, I didn’t skimp on anything. We were a little intimidated, as if having to go slowly didn’t give us the right to make a false step. This feeling dissipated when I started massaging Simon. Then he massaged me in turn. It was good, but not super exciting, until I lay on my back and he massaged me while he watched me.

This face to face and his slow gestures disturbed me a lot; she sensed it and his gestures became more sexual. Then we sat facing each other, my thighs on his, and we caressed each other’s face and kissed. It was both sexy and loving, I loved that moment.

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Then he lay on his back and I caressed him with my hands and my body. Then I mounted it and we experienced what Diane Richardson calls “changing positions while maintaining the connection between the sexual organs.” That is, do not interrupt penetration by changing posture. It was fabulous, we didn’t want to let go of each other. The fun was explosive.

Although we’re not going to have sex this way all the time, this experience has changed the way we touch each other. We realized that the whole body was erogenous and that taking your time allowed you to intensify the sensations, but also the feeling of love. »

“It was like a choreography”
Simon, 43 years old

“I admit I dreaded this experience. Slowing down, a priori, for me meant being more lucid, more precise too, therefore, having more pressure. I was relieved when Alexia decided to put the frame in her place to, somewhere, take matters into her own hands. When night came, I felt a little feverish, a little tense, like it was the first time. And then the massages allowed me to relax and not think about how I should “perform”.

It’s silly, but I think it’s very difficult for a man not to approach sexual intercourse through this prism. Living up to the task, not disappointing, is still what guides us, whatever people say!

With the minutes, I stopped thinking and let myself be carried away by well-being. When Alexia sat in front of me, she was very excited, I could caress her with my hands and eyes, and I saw that she was in the same state as me. I loved kissing her feeling her pressed against my chest. It’s crazy how slowing down makes you feel many things: the temperature of your skin, your sweat, the heat of your breath…

I made love with my eyes, my mouth, my hands, my skin. I completely forgot about my sex, which made its life for itself. And then, when the moment of penetration came, it was very natural, without anxiety. There it was like a choreography that we invented at the time; I have the memory of a second state, as if I were in the water or in the air.

It is very difficult to describe, but my whole body was very present and very buoyant. Specifically, my enjoyment was not stronger than usual, but I would say that it was more global, less localized in my sex and in my lower abdomen. I don’t know if it can always be like this; in any case, with Alexia, we told each other that we would indulge regularly slow sex. »

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm

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Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice

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It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship

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the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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