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Sexting: instructions for use | Psychologies.com

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It’s a good idea to have some fun with sexting, whether it’s sensual, romantic or just plain fun. Many of us send and receive them. But why do they seduce us? Confidences from followers of these erotic messages.

I can’t wait to feel the tingling of your skin under my fingers”, “I want to tear off your clothes”, “my tongue is going to wander between your thighs”…. Small erotic message, sex is “an intimate sexual exchange, even if there is no consummated act”, explains sexologist Ghislaine Paris. Couples have little time, they run after each other. The game of seduction thus comes naturally through the cell phone, which is now indispensable in our lives. This observation is also made by Philippe Brenot, sexologist. “In a daily life in which we are increasingly overloaded, it is not always easy to maintain the climate of love. Sexting reinforces the sentimental bond and the narcissism of the couple”.

Modern love letters, a product of new technologies, sexting responds above all, according to him, to a new need of today’s couples. “Daily arousal is a very recent concept, but it now seems necessary if the couple wants to last. Sexuality and desire are now almost always linked to the feeling of love.

Sexting… to liven up everyday life.

With a few evocative words or a sensual metaphor, sexting can eroticize the relationship and anticipate a reunion. “A sext can be sweet, naughty, full of innuendo or downright dirty. It excites me and makes me hungry. That’s why I’m always looking forward to meeting my partner after work,” says Céline, 28.

With this new erotic game, couples have a way to stay close and complicit in their daily lives, no matter what they’re doing. “I like to be in a state of almost instant desire, wherever I am. I like to imagine the other person thinking about me, desiring and getting turned on,” says Axelle, 48, who has always texted her partners.

Sexting… to bridge the gap

By contributing to the maintenance of desire and the establishment of a certain closeness, erotic messages can help long-distance couples. That’s why they are part of Celine’s daily life, since her partner is on tour six months out of the year. “I send him some to make him think of me and to brighten up his days on the road. The same goes for Virginie, 32, whose partner lives more than two hours from home. “It’s just what we need to keep the flame alive.

Sexting… to guide each other

“You could try this”, “I would like you to do that”, “I really like you to touch me like that”…. Practical formulas to evoke new desires, or even to clarify unspoken words. “Although this method of communication is risky, because it is quite short, it can serve to convey small messages,” points out Ghislaine Paris. But be careful not to shock, offend or be offended.

For some people, sexting is a way to uninhibit themselves, for others, like Eric, it’s even a way to test compatibility with a new person. “This way, I know where his limits are, how open he is and I can perceive the level of fusion between us”. A risky bet according to the sexologist, who believes that intimate messages are not enough to really get to know the other person. “This would mean using delirium and imagination to learn to discover each other. Sexting must remain a game.

Sexting… to seduce (in moderation).

Can sexting be a weapon of seduction? It depends mainly on the content. “Saying “your voice stays in my head” after a conversation can be an approach. Saying “your voice turns me on”, no”, deciphers Philippe Brenot. Charlène, 28, has already used sexting with men she met on the Internet. “One thing leads to another, we end up talking about sex and there’s always a moment when it gets hot. Then we decide to meet for real or leave it at that. For Elise, 36, with two children, these messages were the semblance of a seductive approach, until they became too frequent. “Once phone numbers are exchanged, I often find that sexting replaces the traditional ‘how are you? ‘ Which is disappointing. And I can’t even bring myself to count the number of dick pics I’ve received.”

Sexting… with precautions

But the immediacy and lightness of sexting does not allow everything and nothing. We can’t afford absolutely nothing,” says Ghislaine Paris. The forbidden is an integral part of sexuality because the other person can’t take it all. We are in the register of emotion, and a misunderstanding or a mistake is never far away. That’s why it’s also better to know the person well. His colleague Philippe Brenot is less categorical. “Yes, everything is permitted, but not everything is desirable. Among other things, because women and men do not react in the same way. “An enterprising woman will not be hurtful, while a man who is loved and affectionate, but too intrusive, might be.

Sexting is not for everyone. These messages can irritate or even upset. Therefore, it is necessary to be smart and attentive to the possible reactions of the receiver. “When sent by someone who is not close to us, sexting can even be considered sexual assault. It is a real intrusion into the other person’s body because it is done without their consent,” insists Philippe Brenot.

Sexting also involves photos, often very – or even too – explicit. “In this case, it is the most intimate barrier that jumps, whereas sexuality needs imagination,” explains Philippe Brenot. “Eroticism is not pornographic,” adds Ghislaine Paris. Also because there is a risk of photos becoming the object of manipulation, it is preferable to be vigilant. “I never send sexy photos or videos, I’m too afraid that they will end up on the Internet,” says Charlène, 28.

Sexting… nothing but words

Sexting can also be a source of disappointment or frustration if the basic conditions are not clearly established. Physical intercourse is not compulsory after sexting,” says Philippe Brenot. However, today we are witnessing a terrorism of coital orgasm, while there are many different and equally important pleasures. Therefore, there is no commitment to fulfill written fantasies.

To avoid any misunderstanding, Antoine, 24, gave up the idea of exchanging such messages when he saw his girlfriend’s discomfort. “I believe that to really enjoy a sexting conversation, both parties should feel comfortable and let themselves go. The occasions when this happened were too rare in my opinion and frustrated me more than anything else. Nowadays, I don’t miss sexting. I prefer to be with my partner to create real physical intimacy.

Even if this practice can be beneficial, it should absolutely not be imposed because, as Ghislaine Paris reminds us, “sexuality does not support coercion”.

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Ghislaine Paris is a sexologist and author of. Such a fragile desire (Leduc. S, republished in 2014). Philippe Brenot is a sexologist and author of One day my prince will come (Les Arènes, 2014).

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm

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Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice

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It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship

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the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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