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Parents : How to make love in peace?



This newborn was so long awaited… and here he is, from the moment of his birth, imposing an anarchic rhythm on his parents. It is at this point in the story where it all begins. And the imbalance begins. The duo becomes a family, and some parents become “bébédolâtres”, in the words of child psychiatrist Daniel Marcelli. The baby’s reign is established, that of an infant king who even becomes, in extreme cases – for example, when he settles in the conjugal bed – the censor of his parents’ sexual relations. The roles are reversed: the baby occupies all the space and the couple can no longer maintain theirs.

Children: leaving the forbidden

The child grows up, moves on its own. Sometimes to the parents’ bed…”. Late one night, while Jean and I were making love, we realized with horror that our 7-year-old son was standing by our bed and watching us. For how long?” recalls Nathalie, still in shock at having been caught having sex. Freud had commented on and dissected many of these “primitive scenes.” Even today, parents, anxious to preserve their child from any such trauma, can reach a real sexual inhibition. “I can’t let myself go when everyone else is at home, I’m on the prowl,” confesses Jean-Daniel, father of three children aged 12, 10 and 6.

A situation whose paradox Daniel Marcelli underlines: “Not being able to make love anymore on the pretext that the little ones are in the next room is equivalent, for adults, to placing themselves in an infantile position with respect to their offspring, to inverting the law. Parents become their children’s children, thus creating a neurotic bond. How are territories (re)defined? “There is an age, from which the ability to walk and talk is established, at which children should no longer enter the conjugal room without authorization, answers the child psychiatrist. Parents should also not enter the children’s room without knocking. Otherwise, the child is confirmed as the head of the family, directing and ordering everyone’s existence. “Once you have taken power, you don’t give it back, it’s a human rule,” continues Daniel Marcelli, who recalls that “behavior in adolescence has its roots in childhood.”

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For each to remain in his or her place, there is no other solution than confrontation. The father-mother couple must know how to impose itself, insists psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Liaudet, “to say no to the child, not to satisfy all its desires; thus the man-woman couple will find a space of its own in which it can let its own desire be expressed”.

Adolescents: commanding respect

Now that they are teenagers, things get even more complicated. In addition to the risk of shocking them or arousing their curiosity, there is the risk of being the object of their sarcastic comments. For example, Marie, 43, whose 16-year-old son, one morning at breakfast, commented with derision: “Do old people still make love? This painful situation was perfectly understood by the writer Anne de Rancourt, author of How to educate a teenager in an apartment? (J’ai Lu): “Young people can appear without warning, they squat in the living room, in the kitchen, in pairs, in groups, they go to bed at 2 o’clock in the morning. It is impossible to imagine an erotic moment. Sometimes we end up having sexual episodes outside the home: it’s more comfortable. Adults forced to flee their homes to make love, leaving room for teenagers who shamelessly flaunt their love affairs: it’s the height of paradox!

Reaction of Jean-Claude Liaudet: “In the end, parents ask their teenage children for permission to live their sex life. But what they should give the child is betrayal, letting him know that there are moments of intimacy and love in which he has nothing to do. In this way, they offer him the possibility, later on, to create his own space. That said, it is up to parents to make sure that their sex life does not provoke or assault their teenager. Respect works both ways. Daniel Marcelli: “If adults noisily display their lovemaking, it is an intrusion into the child’s privacy, and it is up to them to do what is necessary to protect the child from such manifestations. But they should not leave the scene either. Their role is to set the limit in terms of symbolic law: “You have no comment to make, I forbid you to meddle in our lives”.

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Conclusion of the child psychiatrist: “When prohibitions are clearly defined, things go well, conflicts do not drag on. The difficulty lies in setting limits when the tendency is to be permissive. What if the parents cannot do it? A good lock on the bedroom door can be very useful. Children, thus confronted with the concrete existence of parental love, discover and understand that their life is different from mom and dad’s, and that they must respect it. This discovery will allow them to develop their own sexuality later on.

You were surprised: how to react?

For psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Liaudet, whatever the circumstances, a child who catches his parents making love lives with a trauma that must be deactivated. “The child has seen a forbidden scene. To his regret, he has transgressed a taboo: the sexuality of the parents. On the other hand, this disturbing vision satisfies a fundamental curiosity about sexuality and origins. He now knows how he was conceived. If the vision remains there, he may retain an “animal” image of sexuality, that is, devoid of meaning and affectivity, as in pornography. This is what needs to be fixed,” explains Jean-Claude Liaudet.

“To repair, you have to talk. Talking is vital, to restore the loving dimension of sexuality, so that the child does not imagine that he is the product of a brutal relationship,” continues the psychoanalyst. By inviting the child to talk, by helping him to tell what he has seen, by explaining, meaning takes its place: “We made love because we love each other. The love of parents is different from that of children. It is the love of a lover. It is because we love each other that we wanted your birth. The intervention of a sufficiently understanding and open adult in the family (a grandmother, an uncle, etc.) can facilitate this expression. “A person other than the parents allows the child, who feels guilty, to express him/herself without fear of confronting them,” comments Jean-Claude Liaudet. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes to tell the story: the sooner the better, but the most important thing is to talk about it?

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Key ideas

– Imagining that the child can surprise his or her parents is one of the biggest obstacles to sexuality.
– The couple needs an intimate territory to exist.
– Children are not allowed to occupy the conjugal bedroom.
– Boundaries established at an early age accustom the child, and later the adolescent, to mutual respect.

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm



Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Family / Couple

Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice



It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Family / Couple

Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship



the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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