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Parental alienation: how to protect yourself from a manipulator?

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Psychologies: What is Parental Alienation? How is that different from just beating up the other parent after a breakup?

Christel Petitcollin : It is common, during a separation or divorce, for parents to have a hard time hiding their resentment towards each other. We speak of parental alienation when the situation is much more serious. When one of the two parents turns out to be a manipulator and seeks to use her child to punish the other parent. His attitude tells her: “you will only have my love if you hate the other”. He will then put all his obstinacy into underestimating and discrediting the other parent, until the child ends up doing it himself.

The child will naturally tend to protect the more fragile parent and therefore, paradoxically, the manipulative parent. Because he understands that the love of the healthy father is unconditional, while the love of the sick father is conditional. Out of loyalty, he will fulfill his conditions. And then we can find ourselves in dramatic situations, where the child refuses to see his other parent, does not want to talk to him anymore and comes to hate him.

How to get out of a situation of proven parental alienation?

Christel Petitcollin : The alienation of the parents is only possible with the cooperation of the healthy parent. There is one who denigrates, and another who does not defend himself. One who attacks, and another who clumsily justifies himself. Therefore, it is imperative that the healthy parent, with or without help, manage to escape the clutches of the manipulative parent. He must be able to focus, position himself well and resist the alienation attempt of the other parent. It is a two player game. If one of the two finishes it, the game is over.

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Let’s take an example, recently known in consultation: a boy returns from his father’s house and says to his mother: “You are mean, you want to take all the money from dad.” If the mother begins to justify herself, or if she does not dare to say anything so as not to fall into the escalation of slander, the child cannot position himself. She needs to end this. “What you say is what your dad thinks. This is his opinion. But that is not reality and it is not true.” And that’s it. You have to put up a barrier and say enough is enough, with simple words. And you have to reassure the child with the so-called platitudes in psychology, which are actually obvious: “You have the right to love both of your parents, you have the right not to take sides, the stories of adults belong to adults, legal matters “. between them they do not concern you”. You have to give the child permission to stay out of it. And the healthy parent can also address the manipulative parent in the presence of the child: “I forbid you to use our son to convey your messages” and address the child: “Dad (or mom) is old enough to tell me what he wants” . or she has to tell me, you can stay out.” The ban is imposed.

Children, even when they are adults, cannot get out of this toxic relationship on their own. As long as the healthy parent approves of the sick parent’s deviations, as long as he shows that we can clean ourselves on him like a doormat, the child cannot take a stand. If he has a bad father who seems stronger to him and a good boy weaker, he will choose the stronger one, even if he is the bad boy. You have to show him that you can be kind AND strong. The victimized parent must imperatively regain the upper hand before the bond between him and the child is completely broken. Afterwards, it becomes very difficult to return to what has been broken.

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The term “Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)” induces the notion of disorder in the child in question. Why are you debating?

Christel Petitcollin : PAS, as described by Richard Gardner in the 1980s, is a concept that is neither legal nor scientific, and has always been rejected by the DSM (the American reference work that lists all recognized mental disorders). Gardner harbored a hatred of mothers, whom he long accused of being almost all alienating (95%!). His theory was that children were manipulated into wrongly accusing parents of maltreatment and/or sexual abuse. This man was not to be trusted and, in addition, he was a propedophile. If the mechanism of infantile alienation, as I explained before, exists, the one that Gardner appropriated is aberrational, and it is very important to order the comments on it.

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm

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Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice

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It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship

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the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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