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I hate Christmas | Psychologies.com

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For them, Christmas is a nightmare. They are “Christmasphobes”. A suggestive neologism to designate the fear of this year-end ritual better known as “natalophobia”. A fear, an anguish even for some. Explanations and tips to make the party more digestible.

Are you worried about seeing Christmas trees, Christmas decorations and other fun things? Just thinking about New Year’s Eve on the 24th, will you break out in a cold sweat? Are you paralyzed by the endless list of family gifts? Look no further: it is possible that you suffer from “natalophobia”, a pathology proven and recognized by mental health professionals. “I dream about it at night,” says Lenda, 41, a teacher. What if the gifts do not attract? What to do for dinner? Will my in-laws be there? What if everyone settled their accounts? Christmas is a nightmare. “Lenda is” christmasphobe “. For some, explains Samuel Dock, clinical psychologist, “Christmas is such a happy time that paradoxically it is a source of sadness: the magical, the sacred, the joy returns them to the blandness of existence for the rest of the year.” very real anguish.”But, for the vast majority of “Christmas phobes”, this holiday causes anxiety before, during and after, it continues. However, it is not a phobia in the pathological sense of the term since there are no avoidance strategies.Still, the party is indigestible.

I’m under pressure

“The collective pressure is very strong, says the psychoanalyst Juliette Allais. It requires an investment, in terms of time, money, reflection, preparation, which affects us in our narcissistic (will I get there?) and relational (how will others consider me?) questions. If our self-confidence is fragile, successful social and family mandates end up depressing us. And we integrate the fact that we don’t play with Christmas. “It’s the last sacred ritual,” says Samuel Dock. We cannot deviate from it, unlike Easter or birthdays, which are no longer unanimous. »» Boycott New Year’s Eve? “Transgression is too dangerous: we would be a bad person, almost a heretic”, responds Juliette Allais.

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I’m torn by strife

Christmas is also a succession of inner pulls, sources of great guilt. “This ritual of belonging makes it possible to reaffirm ties, continues the psychoanalyst. And to be calm. Because we have a place and a role in a family, we exist. However, our individualistic society advocates, on the contrary, autonomy and freedom. First psychic conflict. Samuel Dock also evokes the question of temporality. “During the holidays you have to slow down, take your time and know how to wait (the guests, the ceremony, the food, the gifts, etc.). However, with the rush of the whole year, subject to the cult of urgency, we have lost the habit of slowing down. » Second conflict. “And then, he continues, there is this dichotomy between the desire of the individual, his aspirations, your need for meaning and the steamroller that these parties can represent. We offer our gifts, we savor the trunk. But… why, we ask ourselves inwardly? Third conflict.

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test yourself

i have to play the game

Family gatherings are also that time of year when we put on our best selves” ” suit”. For the psychologist, it is the imposed truce: We don’t talk about irritating topics. Forcing yourself to smile, to please, creates an obvious feeling of frustration. For the good of the group, we are obliged to suppress sometimes painful psychic content. “Be happy and shut up. “The ‘children’s party’ returns us to the posture of a child: we portray a character (the one who takes care of everything, the one who is never happy) and we are no longer ourselves”, Juliette Allais underlines. This regression unbalances us as we betray the adult that we are otherwise. And if we try to be, on December 25?

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To do ?

change your habits
Juliette Allais, psychoanalyst, suggests introducing lightness, dare to change habits. “You don’t have to comply with the ritual. It is not a matter of life and death. ask yourself what would make you really happy this year : a short trip, an evening at the theater? ” Is about give meaning to the party get away from consumerism. This is an opportunity to (re)knit good links..

talk about it before
Psychologist Samuel Dock invites people to meet one-on-one with their loved ones before D-Day. “These less solemn reunions take away their share of strangeness. also advises dare to speak to avoid frustration during the holidays. “If you don’t agree with Uncle Georges’ thoughts, tell him that you don’t think this is the right time to expose them. »

ask yourself questions
“Noel comes to question the relationship we have with our family, says Juliette Allais. Do you feel free and independent? Or locked in the mandates of your loved ones? A few sessions with a psychiatrist can help you better understand what’s at stake for you. “And what was built in terms of family dynamics,” adds Samuel Dock. Some assume the role of “child therapist” responsible for the balance and harmony of the group. A great pressure falls on them, which should be left and shared.

Matthieu’s solution, 35 years old

“On the advice of my psychiatrist, at Christmas, in 2013, i said no ! I was not well, too much pressure in the office, worries in my relationship. Above all, he was physically exhausted. It was difficult, but I decided to go alone for three days, in a small cabin on the Canal. Just to see. See how my family reacted. See also what was happening in me. Well, that Christmas was very satisfying. My loved ones finally understood that I was no longer that model child who succeeded in everything. And I finally agreed to get out of perfectionism and take care of myself. »

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Family / Couple

Tinker Bell – Tinker Bell Syndrome

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Tinker Bell fairies are bright and ambitious women who also happen to be great seductresses and manipulators. Eternally dissatisfied, the Clochettes hide, behind their obsession with appearance and success, great suffering. And they would be more and more numerous in our society. Explanations with psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.

He receives more and more in his office: brilliant women, who collect successes and professional achievements; hyperactive people who seek to control everything, starting with themselves; The “superwomen” doubled as great seductresses. So much so that Sylvie Tenenbaum, a psychotherapist, called them “Les Clochette”, in reference to the little fairy imagined by the writer James M. Barrie, with whom they share much in common. Starting with great suffering. We knew about the Peter Pan syndrome, or that of Cinderella or that of Sleeping Beauty. Now here is the tinkerbell syndrome.

The Bells are angry

Ambitious, often arrogant, perfectionists… The bells are ready to do anything to achieve their ends. “They are in a form of violence in front of life, because they take a form of revenge, analyzes Sylvie Tenenbaum. It’s also about revenge, in a difficult childhood, where they were often criticized, abused, humiliated, manipulated. During this, they stored a good dose of anger. And anger is energy, which they will later channel towards professional and social success. »

” He symptoms of tinker bell syndrome form a coherent whole, explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. We speak of syndrome when we recognize most of these signs in a single personality. »

The Clochettes are afraid of their emotions.

Tinkerbell fairies are women who have suffered a lot during their childhood. Of toxic fathers, possessive or self-centered mothers, misogynistic or absent fathers… “Most of the time they did not have the same permissions as their brothers, if they did, they did not value them as girls, or they raised them to be the first all. hour. So they told themselves that to be loved, you had to be successful. And above all, that they should not express their emotions. Which constitute, for them, real weaknesses. “They are afraid of them because they think they can take away their strength. And strength, it is true that they have a lot.

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How to manage the hassle?

Sometimes we react inappropriately and negatively when faced with a nuisance. However, it is not always pleasant either for oneself or for those around you.

Clochettes are great seducers

In terms of affective life, the Clochette multiply the encounters and conquests. But they are rarely satisfied. “The men they meet are never good enough. And since they do not have an easy character, at the slightest disappointment they are immediately fired. They have been so frustrated in the past that they cannot bear the slightest annoyance.

In fact, they despise men, having suffered greatly from their father during their childhood. Therefore, they just expect them to be worshipped. But in reality, the Tinkerbell suffers from a form of emotional dependency. “They are still little girls waiting to be loved unconditionally. Very unconsciously, they expect men to repair their psycho-affective life. But it can’t work because nobody can give them what they didn’t receive in childhood”.

The Tinkerbells hurt each other

Their affective, professional and social hyperactivity allows them in any case one thing: not to think about their suffering. Because if the Clochettes seem to succeed at everything, they are actually suffering. Injure. Victims of themselves. “They don’t know who they are. They didn’t even ask the question. They just live to prove that they are the best, the most beautiful, the strongest. They are in a form of intoxication. Most of the time, they realize very late the loneliness in which they are locked up. And then they become aware of their immense sadness for not having been loved enough or badly.

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Childhood stress, difficult to detect and often underestimated

Just like adults, children can become unsettled and stressed by changes in landmarks or unusual events.

The bells hurt

Meanwhile, they do a lot of damage to those around them. For this egocentric womeninsensitive, manipulative, tyrannical and jealous, “others are objects at his service”. They don’t respect them. They would like the world to live just for them. We have been tyrannical with them for so long. Unfortunately, they copied their models. But this damage that they do and that they do to themselves, they don’t even realize.

tinker bells can break free

Fortunately, the Clochettes can change, “live better, have less heartbreak.” On condition of being helped. “It is a difficult path because it generates a lot of awareness. In particular that of having made others suffer. Generally, they are not proud of it. »

The key to transformation? “The repair of the girl that is in them and that she is still waiting for marks of love. It’s time to cultivate it”. Also renounce omnipotence, to meet your own emotions. And above all, “learn to love yourself better, to love yourself better”.

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Couple: are you in an “invisible divorce”?

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Life together is far from being a long and calm river. If some couples end divorce Where break awayOthers stick together, but not always for the right reasons. In a Article From Psychology Today, Barbara Greenberg, Psy.D., explains this new phenomenon she has encountered as a therapist: invisible divorce. Some couples seem to work perfectly on the outside, they look happy on social media and their vacation photos are idyllic. However, under the social veneer, the reality is much less rosy. These couples are nothing more than a partnership that operates almost like a business. Explanations.

The 4 signs of an invisible divorce

We all knew this couple who looked so perfect, to whom everything seemed to succeed. we envy them secretly, wishing they were as happy as they looked. And then what was our surprise when we found out a few years after their separation. The phrase “invisible divorce” might be a good description of what was going on in your privacy : these couples had evolved separately and their union was ultimately just a facade.

the doctor Barbara Greenberg identified some signs that he believes could indicate that a couple is going through a invisible divorce :

  • the couple operates as a business where the main concerns would be children and finances;
  • there is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy between partners;
  • at least one of the two partners feels that their needs are not being met;
  • one and/or the other may go elsewhere to meet their physical or emotional needs.
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These couples would be like “parallel lines, living together but functioning separately”, illustrates the psychologist. So why don’t they break up? He reasons they are extremely diverse and varied according to Greenberg. It may be that one of the two spouses fears the financial consequences After a separation, some remain together for “the good of the children.” Others just aren’t ready to break away and make the decision to stay together even when you are not happy.

A frustrating and toxic married life

“These marriages are emotionally exhausting and frustrating,” adds the psychologist. As good as the reasons that would push you to remain in this type of union may seem, you put endangered his mental health and well-being. These people describe a daily life full of frustrations and disappointments. They feel disconnected from their partner. If you recognized yourself in the signs listed above, have them courage to face the situation, advises the therapist. “Try to renew the dialogue with your partner and restore healthy and harmonious communication. Talk about what worries you and your expectations, being as honest as possible, ”he recommends.

However, yes, the dialogue seems impossible or leads to a dead end, it is better to part when the feelings no longer exist. the invisible divorce it would be “toxic to both partners,” Greenberg concludes.

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Couple: the 3 worst love killers revealed by Science

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A healthy relationship is based on trust, sincere feelings, and a certain amount of personal sacrifice. But the recipe for happiness as a couple does not exist and human relationships are so complex that lovers can sometimes go through some storms. Of the routine small annoyances that can even destroy the intimacy of the couple, the discussions sometimes result from particular behaviors : love kills them. As its name indicates, a love killer is the trigger for a breakup or the end of love. This is what makes a person stop wanting her partner.

Australian researchers have investigated the question to scientifically identify the behaviors that could be the worst killers of love. To do this, they conducted a survey of 5,500 single people between the ages of 21 and 76. Participants had to determine what could turn them off in a potential mate (physical characteristics, behavior, etc.). Result: three answers stand out from the majority of the panel, allowing us to define the most devastating love killers.

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A permanent need for affection.

Finally, it is the excessive need for affection that, for 69% of women and 57% of men, can endanger a love relationship. People who constantly seek attention and displays of affection from your partner You may face relationship difficulties. Therefore, it is important to leave enough space so as not to undermine the other person’s sense of freedom. Lack of affection, also characteristic of Tinkerbell syndrome can be a sign of lack of self confidencewhich must be repaired at no cost to the member.

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