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How to help young people find their way?

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Terminale students must make a wish list and pre-register for higher education through Parcoursup. A source of concern for parents and children. How to carry this period of questioning calmly and as a family?

No more “What can I do? I don’t know what to do. A few months into high school, seniors no longer have the right to question themselves. They must make wishes and enroll in higher education through Parcoursup. A procedure that is often a cause for concern, even tension in families. First of all for the parents, who fear that their child is not on the right track: “They refer their anguish to the adolescents, they cannot disassociate themselves from the young person and they become tense”, confirms Dina Scherrer, coach and psychotherapist. According to her, children too often find themselves facing mute adults, unable to accept the desires they unconsciously project onto their adolescents, who perceive them confusedly. Parents shouldn’t censor themselves because “kids don’t like that we don’t have an idea for them,” she says.

A point of view shared by Emmanuel Vaillant, essayist and specialist in guidance issues: “Parents are all worried. Too often they have desires that they dare not express. They hide them. And teenagers find themselves with a soft speech in front of them. Result: they have no wall to crash against, to argue, stating, for example: “Do you want me to do medicine? Well, no, I don’t like to see blood…” It is legitimate to have desires for your child and it is healthy to express them clearly. This is how you can start the discussion. In order not to enter into the desire of the other, to affirm oneself, to position oneself, it is necessary that the paternal aspirations have been expressed. This makes it possible to create debate, arguments. When the future bachelor has no idea, this gives him a basis for reflection, a starting point from which he can start designing his project.

Much of the difficulty lies, for the young person, in the need to decide at an age when they want to remain open to all the possibilities that present themselves. “To choose was to renounce forever, forever, everything else”, writes André Gide in Les Nourritures Terrestres. And that is precisely what can scare. “Guidance questions the desire of the adolescent, what he wants, and forces him to project himself into an adult world. He is 17 years old, he is evolving and he has the impression that he is being asked to freeze in the future”, clarifies Emmanuel Vaillant.

Establish a battle plan

As for Brigitte Prot, an educational psychologist, she warns that the concerns of high school students about Parcoursup, like the APB system before it, are linked to the “project” that the inscriptions imply to implement. “Often, they get stuck at election time. There’s no point in asking them at that point, “You have no idea anyway?” says Dinah Scherrer. The closer the deadline approaches, the more worry increases and risks freezing reflection. Beginning in the 12th grade, scheduling biweekly appointments to discuss guidance can help defuse tensions and move your child forward in finding information.

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Emmanuel Vaillant is also the editorial director of the site. Priority expression area.

Notes to relativize

“What am I capable of? This question of competences, validated or invalidated by the notes at the beginning of the course, haunts the students. Wrongly, if we are to believe psychologists and school guidance specialists. Many do not believe that it is so important. “The young man is often obsessed with his acting: ‘I’ve been told I’m bad at French, so I can never be a journalist.’ Certainly it is necessary to take this type of assessment into account, but it is important to relativize, also to say that the professional future cannot depend on the reports of secondary students”, says Emmanuel Vaillant. Brigitte Prot does not distance herself from this analysis. According to her, the results are one parameter among others, “a criterion to take into account, as well as the favorite subjects, which are not necessarily those in which the adolescent has the best grades. I recommend above all to establish a list: it is essential. Basically, the main difficulty lies in the multiplicity of options it offers: dozens of master’s degrees are created every year. That is why children need the support of parents. Then, and only then, should it be fine-tuned based on the results, but also on criteria such as motivation and the way of working”, she explains.

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To sterile and distressing questions like “What am I capable of? it must be replaced by others, more pragmatic: “Do I have a competitive spirit?” ”, “Does the prospect of passing competitions paralyze me? », « Am I self-employed, can I work alone or do I need supervision? », « Do I prefer to have the profile of a marathon runner or a sprinter, in terms of studies? », « Do I want to do short or long studies? “, etc. All the answers to these questions must weigh in the establishment and prioritization of the options.

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Brigitte Proteducational psychologist, teacher and trainer is the author of the method Evaluation and Itinerary of motivation and orientation.

“The important thing is that on the day of the registration deadline, the list is mature with solid arguments. That said, in 90% of cases, Brigitte Prot attests, orientation does not happen by chance. Most of the time it corresponds to an encounter made by the adolescent months or even years before; I find that, at times in secret, it kindled a flame within him waiting to be rekindled and cultivated. To downplay the issue, Emmanuel Vaillant explains: “What you have to make your son understand is that he is certainly projecting himself into a professional universe, but that this universe is in perpetual motion. When he takes a path, he is not committing himself to something that he will have to do his whole life. The gateways from one sector to another are innumerable. On the other hand, it is important to avoid trampling, because it undermines morale to multiply failures. Constantly bumping into the same obstacles is debilitating, as is breaking your children’s dreams by invoking insufficient results. Success does not necessarily pass through royal roads. It is even often the result of discoveries made by taking detours.

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An exercise to do with the future single

The adolescent does not always know what he wants, but many times he knows what he does not want. This exercise, proposed by the trainer Dina Scherrer, allows you to listen to your “I don’t want” and discover with it what lies beyond.

First, draw a circle on a piece of paper marked inside “what I want” and outside “what I don’t want.”

1. Tell him to write outside the circle everything he doesn’t want in terms of guidance: “I don’t want to study too much”, “I don’t want to sit behind a desk all day”…

2. For each “I don’t want”, ask him to draw an arrow inside the circle and write the corresponding “I want”: “I don’t want to do long studies” becomes “I want a bac + 2” inside the circle.

3. Ask him to explain what he wrote inside the circle.

4. Prioritize with him the objectives on which he wants to mobilize.

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Discover Dina Scherrer’s advice to a high school student wondering about her future.

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm

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Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice

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It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Family / Couple

Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship

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the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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