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Get out of the infernal circle of morbid jealousy

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The sickly jealous is an outstanding screenwriter. Prisoner of a bad series, he sees himself in the shoes of the anti-hero betrayed by his wife and a third party, and closely films the behavior of his companions as so many clues to the crime of which he will be the victim. The other actors can justify themselves, give proof of his innocence, but he doesn’t listen to anything, obsessed with these deceitful images.

Catherine recalls: “Every night, I would wait until his back was turned to pick his pockets. A new pen, a business card, an illegible name written on a diary page, anything: I couldn’t help but consider every item found evidence of treason. And, every morning, he watched him intently: the slightest change, the slightest special effort to be attractive, and he was firmly convinced that he was going to spend the day with someone else. »

a form of paranoia

Jealousy is a form of paranoia, explains Alain Krotenberg, a psychiatrist specializing in behavioral and cognitive therapy (author of The desire to improve, with Luc Patry, Payot, 2001). However, the paranoid, by definition, is never wrong; if he is convinced that his wife wants to cheat on him, nothing can shake him. Unless his suffering, which has become too strong and difficult to bear, encourages him to consult. It is then up to the therapist to ask become aware of the pathological degree of their jealousy.

“First, I ask the jealous person to regularly note the pace and intensity of their suffering before, during and after their jealous attacks,” explains Alain Krotenberg. This is the so-called cognitive part. The therapist then proposes a role play: “The patient puts himself in the shoes of his “victim”, I in his, then we reverse. This behavioral approach allows the jealous person to become aware of what is excessive in their way of acting and reasoning. Loved ones can participate in therapy by participating in these role plays.

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However, no single spouse has the means to help the jealous person to get out of your obsessive pattern. His anxiety remains uncontrollable, obsessive and, above all, growing: “We start by swearing that we love him, that no one else can attract us, but that is not enough. After undergoing psychotherapy, Patricia, 39, ended up divorcing her husband who was too jealous of her. “To avoid arguments, I ended up breaking up with all my friends and quitting my job, until the day I found myself at home, not daring to do anything and depressed. »

“And even when the victim of the jealous ends up, locked up, for not seeing anyone anymore, it happens that the other becomes jealous even of his thoughts and says to himself: ‘She doesn’t seem happy with me, she necessarily thinks of someone else! ” “adds Violaine-Patricia Galbert, couples therapist. To get rid of these bad thoughts – specialists speak of “cognitive distortions” – the jealous person must first understand what is hidden behind them. This is what certain therapies, and in particular psychoanalysis, strive to reveal by focusing on the past of the jealous. “Since the relationship with the mother is a loving relationship that the child does not want to share, loving jealousy is never more than a reminiscence of this relationship experienced in childhood,” explains Denise Lachaud, psychoanalyst.

Emotional dependence

For twenty years, Léo Lederrey, a medical journalist and therapist, was very zealous, until he decided to go to specialists. After following several courses of Gestalt therapy, rebirth and bioenergy, he managed to break out of his obsessive pattern: “I could understand where my jealousy came from: I was raised only by my mother… One day, my father suddenly reappeared. to “steal” my affection from him. Since then, every man who got too close to the woman he loved unconsciously assumed this role of “love thief”. “It is a trauma that is part of my story, a scar that will always be present,” he adds. But why therapy allowed me to identify himIt no longer makes me suffer. »

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According to Violaine-Patricia Galbert, “jealousy is born above all from the desire to possess the other; the jealous one does not want it to escape”. Behind this desire for influence lies a state of affective dependency “When he tried to justify himself for his jealous rages, my husband kept telling me that he could never live without me, that the idea of ​​being alone terrified him,” Patricia testifies. The therapist’s job is then get the jealousy out of this fusional relationship instilling in him the principles of self-sufficiency : “It’s about teaching him to flourish alone, without the other that serves as a substitute”, continues Violaine-Patricia Galbert.

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Are you emotionally dependent? Test your degree of emotional dependence in 25 questions.

learn to trust yourself

For this reason, it is necessary to work on self-esteem: if the jealous person does not feel good without the other or believes that they are constantly threatened with losing them for the benefit of a third party, it is because they do not believe they are up to the task. that. He believes himself unworthy of the affection he receives. “The jealous, therefore, will have to work to affirm the power of him, specifies Violaine-Patricia Galbert. The goal of therapy is for him to finally be able to say to himself: “I deserve to stay with her”, or even: “If she leaves, I know that I will have the means to endear myself to another…”.

Learning to have confidence in oneself in order to have confidence in others is a real job that can last, according to Léo Lederrey, one, two or even three years. “In the end, jealousy is not cured, you just learn to master it. “This jealous ex and accustomed to breakups has lived with the same woman for almost ten years. “She just signed up for Spanish classes. In the past, my reflex would have been to ask who she had spoken to, if there were many men registered in her class. Today I manage, because I understood that the problem does not come from her but from me. It’s not always easy, but in any case, my jealousy no longer ruins our lives. »

gender difference

Man, woman: who is the most jealous?
According to studies, jealousy is a feeling that fits both the feminine and the masculine. As for the frequency and intensity of jealousy, again, men and women are equal. The two sexes differ, on the other hand, in their way of reacting: “Men get angry, women get depressed,” remarks Ayala Malach Pines, a couples therapist.

Alain Krotenberg, a psychiatrist, points out that, “in women, jealousy reveals hysterical and depressive behavior while, in men, it has a paranoid and obsessive character, which makes it more difficult to cure.” Psychoanalysis considers jealousy as a reflection of the unconscious desire to deceive the other. As this desire for infidelity is unbearable, the jealous person defends himself by attributing it to the other. This mechanism, called projection, is hard to accept. For the jealous, first, that he will not admit that it is his own desires that he projects onto the other. For the spouse, then, that he is likely to conclude: “Then it is up to me to be jealous, since you want to cheat on me. Both must then admit that these desires are unconscious, therefore unrelated to reality.

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Read

  • jealousy in love by Ayala Malach Pines.
    Symptoms, causes and remedies for this pathology, by a psychologist and couples therapist (OES, 2001).
  • jealousy by Denise Lachaud.
    Freud, Lacan, Klein: different forms of jealousy seen by psychoanalysts (Hachette, 2000).
  • self-victories by Leo Lederrey.
    Based on his experience, the author gives the keys to put an end to emotions that are harmful to life as a couple (Jouvence, 2000).

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Family / Couple

Tinker Bell – Tinker Bell Syndrome

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Tinker Bell fairies are bright and ambitious women who also happen to be great seductresses and manipulators. Eternally dissatisfied, the Clochettes hide, behind their obsession with appearance and success, great suffering. And they would be more and more numerous in our society. Explanations with psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.

He receives more and more in his office: brilliant women, who collect successes and professional achievements; hyperactive people who seek to control everything, starting with themselves; The “superwomen” doubled as great seductresses. So much so that Sylvie Tenenbaum, a psychotherapist, called them “Les Clochette”, in reference to the little fairy imagined by the writer James M. Barrie, with whom they share much in common. Starting with great suffering. We knew about the Peter Pan syndrome, or that of Cinderella or that of Sleeping Beauty. Now here is the tinkerbell syndrome.

The Bells are angry

Ambitious, often arrogant, perfectionists… The bells are ready to do anything to achieve their ends. “They are in a form of violence in front of life, because they take a form of revenge, analyzes Sylvie Tenenbaum. It’s also about revenge, in a difficult childhood, where they were often criticized, abused, humiliated, manipulated. During this, they stored a good dose of anger. And anger is energy, which they will later channel towards professional and social success. »

” He symptoms of tinker bell syndrome form a coherent whole, explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. We speak of syndrome when we recognize most of these signs in a single personality. »

The Clochettes are afraid of their emotions.

Tinkerbell fairies are women who have suffered a lot during their childhood. Of toxic fathers, possessive or self-centered mothers, misogynistic or absent fathers… “Most of the time they did not have the same permissions as their brothers, if they did, they did not value them as girls, or they raised them to be the first all. hour. So they told themselves that to be loved, you had to be successful. And above all, that they should not express their emotions. Which constitute, for them, real weaknesses. “They are afraid of them because they think they can take away their strength. And strength, it is true that they have a lot.

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How to manage the hassle?

Sometimes we react inappropriately and negatively when faced with a nuisance. However, it is not always pleasant either for oneself or for those around you.

Clochettes are great seducers

In terms of affective life, the Clochette multiply the encounters and conquests. But they are rarely satisfied. “The men they meet are never good enough. And since they do not have an easy character, at the slightest disappointment they are immediately fired. They have been so frustrated in the past that they cannot bear the slightest annoyance.

In fact, they despise men, having suffered greatly from their father during their childhood. Therefore, they just expect them to be worshipped. But in reality, the Tinkerbell suffers from a form of emotional dependency. “They are still little girls waiting to be loved unconditionally. Very unconsciously, they expect men to repair their psycho-affective life. But it can’t work because nobody can give them what they didn’t receive in childhood”.

The Tinkerbells hurt each other

Their affective, professional and social hyperactivity allows them in any case one thing: not to think about their suffering. Because if the Clochettes seem to succeed at everything, they are actually suffering. Injure. Victims of themselves. “They don’t know who they are. They didn’t even ask the question. They just live to prove that they are the best, the most beautiful, the strongest. They are in a form of intoxication. Most of the time, they realize very late the loneliness in which they are locked up. And then they become aware of their immense sadness for not having been loved enough or badly.

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Childhood stress, difficult to detect and often underestimated

Just like adults, children can become unsettled and stressed by changes in landmarks or unusual events.

The bells hurt

Meanwhile, they do a lot of damage to those around them. For this egocentric womeninsensitive, manipulative, tyrannical and jealous, “others are objects at his service”. They don’t respect them. They would like the world to live just for them. We have been tyrannical with them for so long. Unfortunately, they copied their models. But this damage that they do and that they do to themselves, they don’t even realize.

tinker bells can break free

Fortunately, the Clochettes can change, “live better, have less heartbreak.” On condition of being helped. “It is a difficult path because it generates a lot of awareness. In particular that of having made others suffer. Generally, they are not proud of it. »

The key to transformation? “The repair of the girl that is in them and that she is still waiting for marks of love. It’s time to cultivate it”. Also renounce omnipotence, to meet your own emotions. And above all, “learn to love yourself better, to love yourself better”.

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Family / Couple

Couple: are you in an “invisible divorce”?

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Life together is far from being a long and calm river. If some couples end divorce Where break awayOthers stick together, but not always for the right reasons. In a Article From Psychology Today, Barbara Greenberg, Psy.D., explains this new phenomenon she has encountered as a therapist: invisible divorce. Some couples seem to work perfectly on the outside, they look happy on social media and their vacation photos are idyllic. However, under the social veneer, the reality is much less rosy. These couples are nothing more than a partnership that operates almost like a business. Explanations.

The 4 signs of an invisible divorce

We all knew this couple who looked so perfect, to whom everything seemed to succeed. we envy them secretly, wishing they were as happy as they looked. And then what was our surprise when we found out a few years after their separation. The phrase “invisible divorce” might be a good description of what was going on in your privacy : these couples had evolved separately and their union was ultimately just a facade.

the doctor Barbara Greenberg identified some signs that he believes could indicate that a couple is going through a invisible divorce :

  • the couple operates as a business where the main concerns would be children and finances;
  • there is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy between partners;
  • at least one of the two partners feels that their needs are not being met;
  • one and/or the other may go elsewhere to meet their physical or emotional needs.
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These couples would be like “parallel lines, living together but functioning separately”, illustrates the psychologist. So why don’t they break up? He reasons they are extremely diverse and varied according to Greenberg. It may be that one of the two spouses fears the financial consequences After a separation, some remain together for “the good of the children.” Others just aren’t ready to break away and make the decision to stay together even when you are not happy.

A frustrating and toxic married life

“These marriages are emotionally exhausting and frustrating,” adds the psychologist. As good as the reasons that would push you to remain in this type of union may seem, you put endangered his mental health and well-being. These people describe a daily life full of frustrations and disappointments. They feel disconnected from their partner. If you recognized yourself in the signs listed above, have them courage to face the situation, advises the therapist. “Try to renew the dialogue with your partner and restore healthy and harmonious communication. Talk about what worries you and your expectations, being as honest as possible, ”he recommends.

However, yes, the dialogue seems impossible or leads to a dead end, it is better to part when the feelings no longer exist. the invisible divorce it would be “toxic to both partners,” Greenberg concludes.

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Family / Couple

Couple: the 3 worst love killers revealed by Science

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A healthy relationship is based on trust, sincere feelings, and a certain amount of personal sacrifice. But the recipe for happiness as a couple does not exist and human relationships are so complex that lovers can sometimes go through some storms. Of the routine small annoyances that can even destroy the intimacy of the couple, the discussions sometimes result from particular behaviors : love kills them. As its name indicates, a love killer is the trigger for a breakup or the end of love. This is what makes a person stop wanting her partner.

Australian researchers have investigated the question to scientifically identify the behaviors that could be the worst killers of love. To do this, they conducted a survey of 5,500 single people between the ages of 21 and 76. Participants had to determine what could turn them off in a potential mate (physical characteristics, behavior, etc.). Result: three answers stand out from the majority of the panel, allowing us to define the most devastating love killers.

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A permanent need for affection.

Finally, it is the excessive need for affection that, for 69% of women and 57% of men, can endanger a love relationship. People who constantly seek attention and displays of affection from your partner You may face relationship difficulties. Therefore, it is important to leave enough space so as not to undermine the other person’s sense of freedom. Lack of affection, also characteristic of Tinkerbell syndrome can be a sign of lack of self confidencewhich must be repaired at no cost to the member.

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