Connect with us

Family / Couple

Christmas gifts: what if we don’t buy any?

Published

on

Say no to the force-buying frenzy? It’s possible ! Here’s a pack of almost free gift ideas to rediscover the meaning of giving without coming across as cheap. Or how to go out of your way to do good… yourself, others and the planet!

Children write their list to Santa Claus, adults make their wishes known to him a little more subtly (or not)… In short, the case is heard: every year, on a fixed date, you have to reach for your wallet . But why would we have to sacrifice so much money on the altar of consumption? Is the happiness of our loved ones at this price? “Good for…” or homemade giftsHowever, there are plenty of almost free benefits that allow you to pay yourself without emptying your bank account. Gifts that have even more value, both for the one who gives and for the one who receives.

What prevents us from using it? Fear of being considered a jerk or stingy in front of family or friends. “In our society, we want to show that we have the means, explains the psychoanalyst Marie-Claude François Laugier, author of Money in the couple and the family (I pay). Even in modest families, children are overwhelmed with gifts. There is a superiority with uncles, aunts, grandmothers, compared to other people’s children… This becomes the symbol of social success. We also give a lot to comfort. self image. »

Do you give to flatter your ego or to please someone else? give without buying It can be an opportunity to review your own priorities, to rediscover the meaning of the gift “It’s so nice to know that the person racked their brains a bit, instead of going shopping,” says Céline, 29. The one who makes his homemade gift offers himself, like a little piece of his soul. “Imagining a unique and personalized gift for the other means getting more involved, thinking about what is missing, returning to greater authenticity. Strive to do good.

“Be careful, ‘homemade’ is not a panacea either,” says psychologist Isabelle Filliozat, author of Trust yourself (Marabuto, 2007). With the fashion for creative hobbies, there is also the temptation to indulge yourself, making more or less successful objects, which we then try to sell at Christmas. It all depends on the intention you put into it. When you really think about the recipient while doing it, the homemade gift it has more value than a standard purchase, because it allows you to reveal yourself more, with your talents, your imperfections. It becomes an act of intimacy. »

You may also like :   Couple: why the current period is more conducive to separation

But how do you show your loved ones that you love them, if you don’t spend anything on them? “I would feel too guilty, it would be like telling my wife or children that they are worthless in my eyes,” explains Louis, 40. However, money is not the only proof of love. “For the gift to make sense, you have to get rid of something, give a part of youanalyzes Isabelle Filliozat. It can be both time and money. The free gift has the merit of putting everyone on the same financial footing: it allows you to give without expecting anything in return. “Spending too much is also a way of crushing the other, by putting them in a debt situation that they will not necessarily be able to pay,” says Marie-Claude François Laugier. more disinterested, the free giftIt can ultimately be a greater proof of love. What if it were possible, at Christmas, to spend less to give more?

The art of turning loved ones into gifts

Here are three tips for changing habits gently, without alienating the whole family.

Avoid talking about money
Do not say: “This year I do not want to spend money”, but: “This year I decided to surprise you” or: “I thought of a more personal gift. »

Take care of the presentation
Better treat the presentation of the gift or accompany it with a note. “Money is such an integrated social code that we no longer need to comment on it, analyzes the psychologist Isabelle Filliozat. On the other hand, when this code is dispensed with, underlining the value attributed to the gift makes it legible. »

You may also like :   Why am I forced to eat only bad things? |

don’t bully the kids
“Parents can offer their children a commercial gift and a free one, suggests the psychologist. This allows them to be educated according to certain values, without imposing them on them and without alienating them too much from their friends. »

The gift to share

The principle: offer loved ones a moment of wellnessrelax, complicity to share together.

“Last Christmas, my dad gave me a coupon for a cabin in the garden,” says 8-year-old Jeremy. We got to work, I passed him pieces of wood while he was on the ladder. By the end of the summer, it was finished and I was even able to sleep there with my friends. “Easy to use, the” share gift brings together the giver and the receiver. One can thus offer his son a voucher for a treasure hunt, to teach him to play chess or to drive (at the entrance…); his wife a voucher for breakfast in bed, a kinky massage or the caress of her choice…

The “shared gift” also allows the other to benefit from one of your skills: offer (diplomatically) a girlfriend a day’s worth of makeup tips, introduce your grandparents to the joys of email, offer English lessons to the angry . little cousin with the language of Shakespeare… A prelude to other pleasant moments of complicityfor those of us who will no longer need vouchers?

the creative gift

The principle: offer an object Homemade, unique, like the person to whom it is intended. the occasion of reveal himself, with his talents and his imperfections.

“I live with my father, I don’t see my mother often,” explains 18-year-old Emilie. Even if it’s not very fashionable, I love it when she sends me a sweater she knitted for Christmas. It’s a bit like a duvet! Sometimes artistic (when you have the “means”), the homemade gift it is usually nutritious: we can offer jams, fruit from the garden, a book of recipes collected from the whole family… It also allows us to celebrate the family bond, to remember the good times lived together, to transmit the history of the tribe to the little ones. “My grandmother was one of the first secular teachers at the beginning of the 20th century, says Jeanne, 55. My brother and I collected her story and made a notebook with photos and letters from the time, which we distributed among the whole family. One day my son will pass it on to his own children. »

You may also like :   Empty nest syndrome: how to deal with it?

Offer grandparents a recital of songs from their youth or a beautiful family tree illustrating their descendants, parents a calendar personalized with photos of each one and the dates of the birthdays or a travel diary with the chronicle of the last vacations we spent together, for the children a comic strip, a collage or an album with the family history… It’s up to you to find the gift that suits them best!

the zen gift

The principle: offer help to lighten the day to day of family or friends.

“Last Christmas, my aunt offered to take care of our three children for a whole weekend,” says Amélie, 42. I loved this gift! We take the opportunity to go romantic. Voucher for one hour of cleaning per month, washing the car every third Sunday, repainting the bedroom or living room, taking care of the cat while their masters go on vacation… gifts”), a small booklet of ten, twenty or thirty “vouchers for …”, which the recipient can separate as desired.

The Zen gift doesn’t look like much, but it has value time commitment and puts oil in the wheels of the family. “When I asked my daughter what she would like as a gift, she replied, ‘Stop yelling when I get a bad grade!'” laughs Charlotte, 38. So now, I say the same thing but in a rap tune. As a family, we can thus commit to behavior changes that sweeten life: good for letting you choose the TV program, for letting you get in the car in front, for
a day in which you are always right, in which no one complains, or to be in a good mood in the morning, even before coffee… Vouchers for to lighten the daily routine that does not prevent you from making – also – efforts the rest of the year!

Continue Reading
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Family / Couple

Separation: the signs that can predict the breakup three months in advance

Published

on

A study published in February 2021, in the scientific journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, made it possible to identify certain elements of idiom what would allow predict a breakup three months before it happens. To achieve this, researchers from the University of Texas analyzed more than a million posts on romantic relationships on the Reddit site. They discovered that the vocabulary used by users changed three months before the split and didn’t return to normal until about six months later. “It would seem that even before the people involved are aware of the breakup, it starts to affect their lives,” said Sarah Seraj, one of the study’s author psychologists.

Different “language markers”

According to the researchers, we do not pay a particular attention the expressions, pronouns and prepositions that we use daily. Now, these function words say a lot about our life situation, so they change perceptibly when our the psychological and emotional state deteriorates. “Whether the person leaves their partner or vice versa, the language markers changed up to three months before the breakup,” adds the psychologist.

The language used becomes more personal and informal, indicating a decline in analytical thinking. According to the expert, these people use pronouns like “I” Where “to meto the detriment of “we” or “we”, more attached to the notion of a couple. This indicator would be a signal of a heavy mental load, illustrating going through an intense period of internal reflection and rumination, making us more centered in ourselves Furthermore, the frequent use of the pronoun “I” would be associated with sadness and depressiondetails Sarah Seraj. When we are depressed, we focus more on ourselves and are less and less able to relate to others.

You may also like :   Love: this is what we like at first sight

Those significant changes they reached their climax at the time of the breakup and lasted up to six months later, even though those concerned discussed topics other than their separation or love life.

Our language, responsible for our traumas?

Scientists have also discovered that it is our idiom which would be largely responsible our ability or not to heal and overcome the trauma of a breakup. The people who kept the same way of speaking until a year later separation, by continually evoking and remembering this painful episode, took the longest to recover and move on. And this, regardless of the trauma experienced: divorce, loss of a loved one or other emotional upset, according to the researchers. “Thanks to this study, we can better understand the different challenges of life, being more attentive to our way of speaking,” concludes Kate Blackburn, psychologist.

Continue Reading

Family / Couple

Separation: the signs that can predict the breakup three months in advance

Published

on

A study published in February 2021, in the scientific journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, made it possible to identify certain elements of idiom what would allow predict a breakup three months before it happens. To achieve this, researchers from the University of Texas analyzed more than a million posts on romantic relationships on the Reddit site. They discovered that the vocabulary used by users changed three months before the split and didn’t return to normal until about six months later. “It would seem that even before the people involved are aware of the breakup, it starts to affect their lives,” said Sarah Seraj, one of the study’s author psychologists.

Different “language markers”

According to the researchers, we do not pay a particular attention the expressions, pronouns and prepositions that we use daily. Now, these function words say a lot about our life situation, so they change perceptibly when our the psychological and emotional state deteriorates. “Whether the person leaves their partner or vice versa, the language markers changed up to three months before the breakup,” adds the psychologist.

The language used becomes more personal and informal, indicating a decline in analytical thinking. According to the expert, these people use pronouns like “I” Where “to meto the detriment of “we” or “we”, more attached to the notion of a couple. This indicator would be a signal of a heavy mental load, illustrating going through an intense period of internal reflection and rumination, making us more centered in ourselves Furthermore, the frequent use of the pronoun “I” would be associated with sadness and depressiondetails Sarah Seraj. When we are depressed, we focus more on ourselves and are less and less able to relate to others.

You may also like :   Love: this is what we like at first sight

Those significant changes they reached their climax at the time of the breakup and lasted up to six months later, even though those concerned discussed topics other than their separation or love life.

Our language, responsible for our traumas?

Scientists have also discovered that it is our idiom which would be largely responsible our ability or not to heal and overcome the trauma of a breakup. The people who kept the same way of speaking until a year later separation, by continually evoking and remembering this painful episode, took the longest to recover and move on. And this, regardless of the trauma experienced: divorce, loss of a loved one or other emotional upset, according to the researchers. “Thanks to this study, we can better understand the different challenges of life, being more attentive to our way of speaking,” concludes Kate Blackburn, psychologist.

Continue Reading

Family / Couple

‘Sex Debt’: Why Women Sometimes Feel Pressured to Have Unwanted Sex

Published

on

The conversation

Faced with such attention, many of them have sometimes agreed to engage in sexual experiences (kissing, caressing, oral sex, sexual relations) with men without necessarily wanting to, but out of a feeling of responsibility. This sense of responsibility was also expressed by some young men in same-sex relationships.

In this article, however, we choose to focus on heterosexual relationships, where this logic has emerged most markedly.

Les jeunes femmes rencontrées explicant que, si elles ont acepté, ce n’est pas parce qu’elles n’arrivent pas à dire non, mais parce qu’elles auraient dû se douter qu’en acceptant ces faveurs, elles créeraient des attentes sexualles in his house.

Always willing men and always sexually available women?

Sexuality, like other social practices, can be understood as a space where sexual relations materialize.

If the young women interviewed feel more indebted to sex than the young men, it is because they are subject to behavioral expectations linked to a system of binary representations of sexuality called “heteronormativity”.

In this system, sex corresponds to gender and heterosexuality is the norm.

In this logic, the sexual roles of men and women are understood as different and complementary: male sexuality is characterized by assertiveness, sexual performance, virility, and sexual desire associated with physiological needs. Female sexuality, of a relational nature, is linked to affectivity and conjugality.

Various studies show that these representations are still the majority in our societies today.

according to one French survey, 73% of French women and 59% of men adhere to the belief that “by nature, men have more sexual needs than women”. Also according to this survey, this belief has an impact on the sexual practices of women who recognize that they are more willing to have sex without wanting to.

You may also like :   "Eau Soilogne", the new Petit Bateau fragrance to scent the little ones.

An investigation carried out in Switzerland among young people aged 26 on average reveals that 53% of the women surveyed have agreed to have sexual relations. without desire.

Sex “debts”

The results of our study point in the same direction and highlight that the heteronormative order engenders what can be called “sex debts”. We are interested in sexual transactions, that is, sexual experiences associated with an economic, material and/or symbolic exchange.

As for young women, our analyzes show that if they are found more often than young men accepting unwanted sexual transactionsit is due to the fact that in the “gender order”, female sexuality is posed as a “sexual debt” that leads them to feel indebted to the sexual expectations of men.

However, by consenting to sexual transactions without necessarily wanting it, women confirm their own “sexual debt” to men, which is to ensure an assertive, determined and desiring sexuality, and which sometimes leads them to show (apparent) detachment from women. demands.

Thus, women and men come together in the complementarity of their “sexual debts”, but in a hierarchical relationship: women think that they have no choice but to offer their sexuality in response to the supposed expectations of men, to whom they affirm that they do not they have no choice but to be willing, sexually available, and successful.

Consequently, they reproduce, without necessarily wanting it, “gender order”.

You may also like :   Empty nest syndrome: how to deal with it?

Consent: A Negotiation Process

Sexual experiences are part of a reciprocal bargaining relationship where, depending on the situation, not everything is arranged in advance. In the case we are analyzing, the young people retain a certain freedom, which allows them to negotiate the rest of the transaction, despite the feeling of responsibility that may arise.

In particular, some young women have stated that they find some advantages in these unwanted sexual relations, which can be material (housing, food, etc.) and/or symbolic (feeling of recognition, protection, etc.). Other young women refuse to conform to the expectations linked to their gender and adopt behaviors more associated with the masculine gender, for example being assertive both verbally and in attitude or clearly expressing their limits and leaving little room for what is implicit and misunderstandings.

However, these strategies often have a limited effect, since they consist of changing the behavior of women, without questioning the heterosexual order within which these behaviors occur.

These results show that sexual consent is a complex process that cannot be reduced to saying “yes” or “no” and that “accepting” does not necessarily mean “wanting”.

Thus, the feeling of responsibility reveals the logic associated with a “gender order” based on heteronormativity. However, sexual consent is not the sole responsibility of individuals, especially women, to assert their rights. Our conclusions invite us to understand sexual consent as a negotiation process, between conformity to gender norms and the bargaining power of individuals.

An article published in The conversation through Mirian CarbajalProfessor, University of Social Work, Western Swiss University of Applied Sciences (HES-SO) and Anamaria ColomboProfessor, Friborg University of Social Work, Western Swiss University of Applied Sciences (HES-SO).

You may also like :   What if a cognitive disorder was hiding behind your child's behavior problem?

Continue Reading

Trending