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Family / Couple

Can we love each other a second time?



They loved each other for a long time and parted. However, years later, they chose to try the adventure again. But can we really start from scratch and love each other again? Yes, respond to these men and women convinced that getting back with your ex is still the right choice.

One night the phone woke me up, says Louisa, 40. He was my ex-husband. He explained to me that he had not gone to sleep at his friend’s house. I had been thinking about myself for weeks, about us, that I could no longer go to the Arcueil station where I lived – it was a little further on the same RER line – without wanting to stop. . “I am in a hotel, next to the Luxembourg Gardens. Come.” My heart was beating so hard that I almost fainted. However, I had never felt homesick for our partner. After five years together, we had been separated for four: our life together between crises and reconciliations had been too exhausting.

Since then, we crossed paths quickly when he came to pick up Adeline, our daughter. I joined him. We walked for a long time, and as we talked, we realized that we had changed. The pain of the breakup and the fact of living alone had forced us to reflect. We were also thinking about our daughter… We didn’t get back together right away. Paul moved into a studio where we met regularly. Little by little, we told ourselves that there was something to try, again. Five years have already passed. I would have never imagined that our life as a couple could be so exciting, which does not mean that it is easy. »

Does moving back in together mean the breakup was a mistake? “No,” replies Françoise Sand, marriage and family counselor. But, nowadays, couples break up very quickly. As soon as there is suffering, the ideology in which we are immersed leads the partners not to persevere and question themselves, but to conclude that if there is no happiness it is because the choice was not good. The breakup occurs instead of the marital crisis. With the help of time, it is therefore logical that some couples meet after being distant. However, for this new union to last, some precautions must be taken.

It’s not a sequel, a reboot.

It was I who, after fifteen years of marriage and three children, had taken the initiative for the separation, explains Elisabeth, 50 years old. I could no longer evolve with my husband, I had the impression that he did not understand anything that was happening to me. We lived apart for ten years, with full lives, professionally and lovingly, although neither of us rebuilt a couple. It was the marriage of our eldest son that put us back in touch. As we talked about trivial things, the thing began to clear in my head: my love for my husband was still alive. I was the first surprised! There, as he was, talking to me, this man interested me. After careful consideration, I wrote to say that we should meet again. He answered me immediately. We met and, in two hours, we decided to live together again. Our couple today is very different from the one we formed before. We have both learned to give and not just receive. Before we were really like two selfish children. Today we are rediscovering ourselves, and even on a sexual level. It is like a grace, as if the other partners we have met have brought us back with new eyes. »

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Because, as Elisabeth testifies, one of the keys to success, when you choose yourself again, is not to try to make things right, to start the same story all over again. “Returning to life together to form a couple similar to the previous one would be an aberration”, explains Yves Prigent, a psychoanalyst. If there was a break it was because each one opened his eyes to the imperfections of the other and to the fact that he himself did not possess all the qualities that he imagined. Such an ordeal allows us to understand that the love relationship is not the full one between a mother and her son, but rather the link between two interior solitudes. »

Putting words to the new relationship.

A point common to all successful second chance couples: the use of a new intimate communication, based on what the other really is and not on the fantasy we have of him. “When we admitted to each other that life without each other was, under the guise of non-stop celebration, very boring, says Sandrine, 33, Fabien and I started a conversation that still lingers. Now we are able to listen to each other and put ourselves in the other’s place, to understand how he feels. Fabien had often criticized me for not only being his wife, but also her sister, her mother, her brother, sometimes a baby! She annoyed him. Today, on the contrary, she realizes that playing these different roles, each in turn, allows us to reveal our fantasies and enrich our bond. »

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For Yves Prigent, the choice to get the couple back together cannot happen without taking stock of the past relationship: “This necessarily implements something of the order of language, since it is necessary, to go out together, to understand why it doesn’t work. the first time. But speaking is realizing that the other is more different from us than we had thought, more enigmatic. It is also recognizing that, in a couple, there are days of joy and days of pain.”

Facing the past to build the future

Separations are seldom done with benevolence and calm. And it is common that, on the way to rebuild your partner, we have to return to our grudges. “Our relatives called us crazy when we got back together,” says Louis, 38, because they perfectly remembered the violence we had experienced: we had insulted each other in public, hit each other. Before living together again, we apologized, acknowledging that we had been bad and guilty with each other. It is very difficult to apologize to someone, even someone you love, but it is also unforgettable. »

But is forgiveness forgetting? “No, responds Françoise Sand, it is not about erasing everything. It would be wanting to rebuild into a decoy. Forgiveness allows you to no longer focus on the sufferings of the past but on the good aspects of life together. And to be able to invent a future from them. » It takes courage to live together again, as it requires enough humility to look back to see clearly, to face truths about oneself that are not always pleasant, and to accept that one’s differences are a fluke and not a pain Only then, once this work is finished, can we allow ourselves to dream with this promise sung by Jacques Brel in “Ne me quitte pas”: “We have often seen the fire of an ancient volcano that we thought was too old…”


Between the nostalgia that can take over us at the mention of our old love and a real possibility of meeting again, how can we tell the difference? “You have to be careful that the desire to meet again does not come from a difficulty living alone,” explains Françoise Sand, marriage and family counselor. And that the idea does not germinate under the pressure of an environment that, on occasions, did not accept the rupture. There are also people who look to the past for lack of courage to face the future.

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All these reasons are not good and risk leading to a new separation. But we realize that the collapse is much larger during a second failure. Distrust, therefore. Discretion should be exercised before attempting this approach. And, above all, do not forget that two people are needed to reconcile. »

Confess or not… his other loves

Should we choose silence or talk about what happened during the separation? “There is no obligation to tell us all this, explains Gilles Formet, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and sexologist.

This belongs to everyone’s privacy. However, there are two cases in which I think it is positive to allude to the adventures that we have known. First in fusional couples that usually separated because the two protagonists suffocated.

It is a way of introducing a third party into the story, and therefore of avoiding starting on the same basis as before. Then, in couples where a narcissistic relationship was at stake, one returned an ideal image to the other.

To say that one has been loved by others is to explain that one has been put in the position of the subject, and this can allow the two partners who meet to position themselves definitively as the subject, facing each other. »


As you like?
Do you live love more in proximity or in distance, in protection or in need of support, in serene acceptance of the other?

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– The couple at risk of duration, interviews between Françoise Sand and Yves de Gentil-Baichis. The human and psychological keys to coexistence (Desclée de Brouwer).
– Shall we stop, continue? by Robert Neuburger. Seven essential issues (communication, intimacy, sexuality, etc.) addressed to prevent conflicts (Payot).
the loving existence by Yves Prigent. Exploration of the theme of love, through the thought of poets, philosophers, psychoanalysts (Desclée de Brouwer).

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Family / Couple

The 4 favorite methods of women to achieve clitoral orgasm



Despite scientific advances, female pleasure is still synonymous with mystery. Many studies have investigated the clitoris and its secrets, but never has the word been so free on the subject. It is in this continuity that American researchers compiled the responses of a panel of 3,017 women between the ages of 18 and 93 to make their way the secrets of sexual pleasure and clitoral orgasm. Published in April 2021, this study highlights 4 techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable: angling, rocking, shallow penetration, and pairing.

Shallowing: multiply the pleasure by a superficial touch

84% of women resort to superficiality to, once again, increase pleasure during vaginal penetration. Behind this name, which translates into French as “superficial”, hides a pretty shallow touch, penetrating right at the entrance of the vagina. It can be done with the tip of the finger, a toy, the tip of the penis, the tongue, or the lips.

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Family / Couple

Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice



It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Family / Couple

Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship



the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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