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Back to school: parents, do not put pressure on your children

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For most parents, going back to school is a source of anxiety, an anxiety that we also communicate to our children unconsciously and uncomfortably through daily pressure; a pressure that could be avoided.

Don’t panic.

We do what we can, as best we can, and so do the children.
Let’s take the classic example of the child who has difficulty making friends at school. Obviously, as parents and caring adults, we want to do everything we can to make our child better and better, but we don’t know what’s going on in his head. Does he really want to find friends in this school? Is he having difficulty with social interaction? Is he trying to get attention? Is he a victim of bullying?

What is true is that we are not helping him by telling him that this year he is going to have to find friends and that he can no longer be left alone at recess. What needs to be done normally will be done naturally.

If not, something is wrong and the child is not responsible. Adolescents in the same situation often even indulge in contradicting their beloved parents by withdrawing into themselves or befriending people their parents consider unsociable.

Advice: Be vigilant at all times about your children’s appointments or alone time, but be careful not to further harm the child, who probably already has difficulties in this area. If you feel overwhelmed, it would be best to contact the school so that the teaching staff can intervene and provide you with more information about your child’s behavior. You will then be able to approach, if necessary, the specialists in question, who will work with your child on his or her difficulties, for example, in social skills groups.

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The past is the past.

Giving the right impetus for a fresh start this year.

Your son may have ended the previous year with a 5 in math and 10 hours of detention because he found it more interesting to talk about his freestyle soccer tricks than to teach the class on the Pythagorean theorem.

September is a month of new beginnings, of renewal, of a new opportunity for each of us to do better than last year.

Although our son, unfortunately, holds the award for the champion disruptive student of all categories, let’s keep in mind that he also has many qualities, that if we were to take the person he is out of the school environment, that is, out of the grades, out of the teachers’ comments, out of the pressure to succeed and to be directed toward a smooth future until retirement, we would find a child who often wants to do well but doesn’t know how. Who may be predisposed to fail even before he has really tried.

Advice: Keep in mind that your child may have a cognitive difficulty and, faced with this situation, may have chosen to make his classmates laugh. This is all it takes for the school to raise the red flag on him, labeling him as a bad student, which he ends up identifying with. Before making a definitive statement about your child’s behavior, make sure that the misbehavior does not stem from a cognitive disability by having your child undergo a cognitive assessment that will highlight his or her performance and level relative to his or her age range, regardless of your expectations as a parent or the school’s level of expectations.

Every child is unique

… And each of us has strengths and weaknesses.

It is always tempting to want to compare one’s own child with others…. And the school environment is no exception to the rule. Here we will take the example of a child who comes home with a good grade. Have you ever asked your child if another student got a better grade than him or what the class average is? We all tend to do that, but it’s a mistake. We are missing an important opportunity to congratulate and appreciate our child.

It doesn’t matter if the class average was 16 or if Marie-Ange-Françoise-Eugénie, the third in discord, got as always a 19.75 out of 20 with the teacher’s congratulations. The child needs to feel and know that he is loved by his parents, not because he is successful, but because he is their child. In the same way, he does not need to compare himself with other children, especially if this does not benefit him, and this applies to all areas.

Advice: Pay attention to. always give positive feedback to your children, no matter what the results are, and especially no matter what the results of others are! When an athlete finishes the marathon in 81st place, he still gets a medal. Learn to praise your child for their efforts and encourage them to keep doing it so that it pays off for them to want to do well and achieve better results.

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The most important thing is to always be in communication with your child, maintaining your role as a parent. If the child does not verbalize any concerns, you have to go and seek information in a skillful and subtle way, maintaining the child’s trust. Do not forget that a child is very malleable and, by definition, can also be fed very quickly by our own fears. Therefore, it is better to give them only positive information.

=> TO FOLLOW

Back to school: how to motivate our children?
Reconnect with the taste for effort and the desire to learn. Not to satisfy a narcissistic appetite for performance on the part of parents, nor to sharpen the child’s competitive spirit, but so that he or she can flourish by developing his or her talents and skills. To achieve this, teachers, parents and children must work together, each in his or her place, without confusing roles. And this is true from elementary school onwards.

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Gabriel Rafi is a clinical neuropsychologist. His website: www.gabrielrafi.com
On their Facebook page, you can find videos full of advice for parents, as well as the “NeuroLive” program, which he presents together with other health professionals. The idea: to share his expertise on his practice and on topics such as eating disorders in pediatrics, bipolar disorders, panic attacks, social anxiety….

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Family / Couple

Breath play or erotic suffocation, a dangerous sexual practice

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It is sexual behavior that is controversial. the breathing game which literally means “breath play”, is a form of erotic asphyxiation practiced during sexual intercourse. But its dangerousness is often overlooked.

What is the breathing game?

ends sexual arousal”, defines the English version of Wikipedia. In practice, “erotic asphyxia” consists ofchoking your partner in the middle of a sexual act. However, playing with your breath can be very dangerous, even deadly. “May result in accidental death by suffocation,” the definition says.

However, despite the risk of injury or fainting, this practice has many adherents. A study conducted in 2021 among 4,000 American students indicates that 26.5% of those surveyed had drowned during their last sexual encounter. Another study carried out the same year on other students reveals more worrying figures: 58% of them have already been suffocated by a partner.

L’suffocation erotic it is also very popular in BSDM circles. A french website dedicated to this type of sexual practices, explains that this restriction of breathing is “practiced in different ways: hanging, suffocation, placing the head in a plastic bag or strangulation,” reports an article in female earth.

A sexual practice that can be deadly

Very risky, the breathing game was popularized by the porn industry, making it an act in its own right, especially in sexual relations marked by domination. But in reality, the consequences of this sexual practice can be fatal. Too much pressure on the larynx can cause death.

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Although there are no official figures on the number of deaths caused by this practice, Grace Millane, a 22-year-old woman, died from it in 2018. Police found traces of strangulation that could correspond to a “four to five minute” suffocation. His partner, Jesse Kempton, was convicted of femicide and sentenced to life in prison. The defense had confided “that the young woman had accidentally died at the end of a sexual game that had gone wrong, a version that had been categorically rejected by the jury,” he recalls. paris party.

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Couple: what your position on the sofa says about your relationship

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the posture adopted by couples when they sit on a sofait’s a window into your relationship status. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Georgina Barnett, a British psychologist, on 2,000 cohabiting couples. “Tell me how you’re sitting, I’ll tell you if everything is fine in your relationship,” says the specialist in an interview with Stylish Maternity.

Sitting next to each other: a sign of imbalance?

While most couples tend to sit on the couch together, there are some pretty subtle signs that it can be signs of relationship problems. When the partners occupy only one corner of the bench and are too close together, this is synonymous with imbalance in your relationship. “The comfortable person in the corner takes up the space, is confident, and has power in the relationship. The other, on the other hand, seems less confident. He is looking for contact and reassurance, ”explains Georgina Barnett.

However, there is a nuance when they sit more in the center of the sofa, maintaining physical contact, such as a hand on the thigh or another. “Couples established in this way have trust your relationship and therefore can afford personal space. It is a mixture of intimacy and freedom”, analyzes the psychologist. But although in love, the latter no longer experience the passion of the first days, according to the expert.

When the position on the sofa heralds a crisis

According to the psychologist, time is serious in the event that the two partners are sitting at two different ends. “It’s even worse if her legs are crossed in opposite directions,” she says. This posture is generally a sign of a Tension in the couple. It can also be a sign that something was left unsaid or resentment, according to Georgina Barnett.

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And contrary to what one might think, if the partners are based on different bases, distanced from each other, it does not necessarily mean that they are in crisis. can only be couples comfortable enough with each other to have their own space. Although this study is based on a fairly large sample, its conclusions must be taken with caution.

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The Relationship Escalator: Are You Following This Conventional Love Pattern?

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Dating, formalizing your relationship, living together, getting married and having children. Many people perceive this life path map as the ultimate blueprint. This diagram has a name: the relationship escalator. The goal of those who take it is to peak by aging together, after checking a certain number of boxes.

What is a “relationship escalator”?

This expression designates a love pattern widespread, but increasingly questioned within society. The Urban DictionaryThe bible of slang and popular expressions defines the relationship ladder as “the societal expectation that a romantic relationship should automatically follow a set of stages and lead to marriage, parenthood, and home ownership.”

Amy Gahran, author of Off the Relationship Escalator, Uncommon Love and Life, was the first to mention this concept. She explains that this notion is “a standard by which most people assess whether an intimate relationship that develops is meaningful, serious, good, healthy, committed, or worth pursuing or maintaining.” In other words, the escalator of the relationship denotes ME’set of beliefs that perceive the most conventional pattern of love as the most rewarding and valued. This concept is made up of several steps that can vary depending on the culture. But they generally follow this timeline:

• Flirt for a few weeks/months

• Becoming sexually and emotionally exclusive

• Introduce your partner to loved ones

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• Live together

• Get married or settle down

• Acquire real estate

• Have children

• Get old together

A satisfactory relational schema if it is not imposed

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking this kind of path of love if it makes us happy. Instead, what can be problematic is imposing it on others as an absolute norm and the only valid model. Pointing fingers at this practice is also a way of denouncing the constant pressure on singles and couples who do not formalize their civil unions.

Gabrielle Smith, an author and poet who is very sensitive to issues related to sexuality and romantic relationships, analyzes this practice in an article by granist “The relationship escalator is designed for heterosexual relationships between singles and preferably for relationships within a two-income middle-class household. Many people are not part of this demographic, and those who are still feel the pressure it brings. »

If this mandate can affect all genders, it is particularly intense when it comes to heterosexual women. “Society makes you think it’s easy to get married, have children, or combine finances. But the reality for many is that it is neither possible nor smart”, concludes Gabrielle Smith.

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