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5 tips to prepare children’s bedtime

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1. Separate yourself from your own dream experience

“Some parents tell me, with great emotion, that they have too many traumatic memories of when they were little, faced with the loneliness of the dodo”says Clémence Prompsy. This bad experience of adults in childhood can have consequences on the child’s sleep. They can’t stand putting their own children in sleep conditions that have been traumatic for them (sleeping with the door closed, being alone, being in the dark, etc.). Faced with this unconscious memory that arises, you should not feel guilty: it is not your fault, the authors say.

To overcome this blockade, the solution, according to them, is not to be too demanding, with oneself and with the child. “The perfect father does not exist”, support the two authors, simply, “He is at peace with his imperfections”. It is difficult to be perfectly adapted to your child: being a parent is an eternal questioning.

2. Create a ritual

A baby’s toolbox isn’t very well stocked, so a good ritual will do half the job for parents. “The dream ritual will appeal to psychology and physiognomy, it is conditioning! », explain the two authors. Specifically, it is about establishing small habits, such as singing the same song or touching the tip of the child’s nose with the same cloth every night.

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After a few weeks, simply whispering the words to the song or rubbing the cloth over the child’s nose will soothe him. These soft gestures allow the little ones to release well-being hormones that will promote relaxation and therefore sleep. The rest, “If every time you go to bed your child maintains the same habits, he will always expect to sleep and his brain will automatically say ‘I already know the rest, in the end they will put me in my bed’”, explains Clémence Prompsy. For a child, having a routine is very reassuring.

3. Be firm from the beginning of the night

“The best advice to gain firmness, without ceasing to be benevolent, is to get angry before getting really angry”say the two psychologists. In parenthood, benevolence is sometimes confused with patience. But when a parent runs out of patience, it can explode. “And unfortunately, it is anything but benevolent because it will also become a conditioning for the child. He will know that mom repeats ‘come on, it’s time to sleep’ five times before coming to pick him up and argue with him.”explains Clémence Prompsy.

The child’s sleep is preparing, of course during the day, but especially from the beginning of the night. Knowing how to stay steady from the bath or meal, for example, is important for the rest of the bedtime process.

In the long term, to maintain your benevolence, it is better to give yourself moments of respite to rest and recharge your batteries. Parents should also take into account its pace and possible discomfort. It’s impossible to focus solely on your child’s needs and pace. When things aren’t going well, it’s important to get outside for some fresh air, to set aside an hour for yourself or to see your friends. This will help to be a balanced and agreeable parent.

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4. Anticipate before you get angry

When a parent notices that it is already the third time that he is angry about the same thing, he must anticipate the fourth time. Before putting his child to bed, it’s important to get the message across and calmly explain that he doesn’t want to be angry anymore. To do this, explaining to him in simple words what is wrong and finding compromises can be a solution. “If you don’t want to explode for the umpteenth time, it is better to verbalize in advance what is wrong and thus anticipate the next one”adds Clémence Prompsy.

5. Apologize if you got carried away

A parent can sometimes seem like the “bad boy” when they get angry. Before going to bed, feel free to apologize. “Cleaning up little messes before you go to sleep and saying – you know I’m sorry, I said that but it wasn’t worth it, I want you to know that I love you – it’s good for everyone”, encourages the author. Anger is a form of stress for both children and adults. As a child, receiving forgiveness reduces stress levels – a good thing for boosting feel-good hormones and helping you fall asleep! Also, forgiveness is beneficial for parents and will also reduce their stress level. Apologizing also shows children that they too can lose their temper but fix their emotional state later.

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Create the perfect bedroom

Golden rule: a child sleeps better in a room that he likes and where he spends time. Therefore, it is necessary to gradually get him to appreciate the room from him if he is not. Specifically, it is about installing the toys that he likes, putting a large mirror, placing the bed in front of the door, adding lamps, family photos or even hanging drawings with the colors that he likes. “If your child is having trouble falling asleep even while in elementary school, don’t worry! At 14 years old your son will be growing and you will have to shake him to eat. Because yes, like all teenagers, he will end up sleeping until 11 in the morning and staying in his room.concludes the psychologist, in an amused voice.

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Read :

Book I do not sleep! by Aurélie Callet and Clémence Prompsy, published by De Boeck Supérieur (Kidz and Family)

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Family / Couple

Tinker Bell – Tinker Bell Syndrome

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Tinker Bell fairies are bright and ambitious women who also happen to be great seductresses and manipulators. Eternally dissatisfied, the Clochettes hide, behind their obsession with appearance and success, great suffering. And they would be more and more numerous in our society. Explanations with psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.

He receives more and more in his office: brilliant women, who collect successes and professional achievements; hyperactive people who seek to control everything, starting with themselves; The “superwomen” doubled as great seductresses. So much so that Sylvie Tenenbaum, a psychotherapist, called them “Les Clochette”, in reference to the little fairy imagined by the writer James M. Barrie, with whom they share much in common. Starting with great suffering. We knew about the Peter Pan syndrome, or that of Cinderella or that of Sleeping Beauty. Now here is the tinkerbell syndrome.

The Bells are angry

Ambitious, often arrogant, perfectionists… The bells are ready to do anything to achieve their ends. “They are in a form of violence in front of life, because they take a form of revenge, analyzes Sylvie Tenenbaum. It’s also about revenge, in a difficult childhood, where they were often criticized, abused, humiliated, manipulated. During this, they stored a good dose of anger. And anger is energy, which they will later channel towards professional and social success. »

” He symptoms of tinker bell syndrome form a coherent whole, explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. We speak of syndrome when we recognize most of these signs in a single personality. »

The Clochettes are afraid of their emotions.

Tinkerbell fairies are women who have suffered a lot during their childhood. Of toxic fathers, possessive or self-centered mothers, misogynistic or absent fathers… “Most of the time they did not have the same permissions as their brothers, if they did, they did not value them as girls, or they raised them to be the first all. hour. So they told themselves that to be loved, you had to be successful. And above all, that they should not express their emotions. Which constitute, for them, real weaknesses. “They are afraid of them because they think they can take away their strength. And strength, it is true that they have a lot.

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How to manage the hassle?

Sometimes we react inappropriately and negatively when faced with a nuisance. However, it is not always pleasant either for oneself or for those around you.

Clochettes are great seducers

In terms of affective life, the Clochette multiply the encounters and conquests. But they are rarely satisfied. “The men they meet are never good enough. And since they do not have an easy character, at the slightest disappointment they are immediately fired. They have been so frustrated in the past that they cannot bear the slightest annoyance.

In fact, they despise men, having suffered greatly from their father during their childhood. Therefore, they just expect them to be worshipped. But in reality, the Tinkerbell suffers from a form of emotional dependency. “They are still little girls waiting to be loved unconditionally. Very unconsciously, they expect men to repair their psycho-affective life. But it can’t work because nobody can give them what they didn’t receive in childhood”.

The Tinkerbells hurt each other

Their affective, professional and social hyperactivity allows them in any case one thing: not to think about their suffering. Because if the Clochettes seem to succeed at everything, they are actually suffering. Injure. Victims of themselves. “They don’t know who they are. They didn’t even ask the question. They just live to prove that they are the best, the most beautiful, the strongest. They are in a form of intoxication. Most of the time, they realize very late the loneliness in which they are locked up. And then they become aware of their immense sadness for not having been loved enough or badly.

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Childhood stress, difficult to detect and often underestimated

Just like adults, children can become unsettled and stressed by changes in landmarks or unusual events.

The bells hurt

Meanwhile, they do a lot of damage to those around them. For this egocentric womeninsensitive, manipulative, tyrannical and jealous, “others are objects at his service”. They don’t respect them. They would like the world to live just for them. We have been tyrannical with them for so long. Unfortunately, they copied their models. But this damage that they do and that they do to themselves, they don’t even realize.

tinker bells can break free

Fortunately, the Clochettes can change, “live better, have less heartbreak.” On condition of being helped. “It is a difficult path because it generates a lot of awareness. In particular that of having made others suffer. Generally, they are not proud of it. »

The key to transformation? “The repair of the girl that is in them and that she is still waiting for marks of love. It’s time to cultivate it”. Also renounce omnipotence, to meet your own emotions. And above all, “learn to love yourself better, to love yourself better”.

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Couple: are you in an “invisible divorce”?

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Life together is far from being a long and calm river. If some couples end divorce Where break awayOthers stick together, but not always for the right reasons. In a Article From Psychology Today, Barbara Greenberg, Psy.D., explains this new phenomenon she has encountered as a therapist: invisible divorce. Some couples seem to work perfectly on the outside, they look happy on social media and their vacation photos are idyllic. However, under the social veneer, the reality is much less rosy. These couples are nothing more than a partnership that operates almost like a business. Explanations.

The 4 signs of an invisible divorce

We all knew this couple who looked so perfect, to whom everything seemed to succeed. we envy them secretly, wishing they were as happy as they looked. And then what was our surprise when we found out a few years after their separation. The phrase “invisible divorce” might be a good description of what was going on in your privacy : these couples had evolved separately and their union was ultimately just a facade.

the doctor Barbara Greenberg identified some signs that he believes could indicate that a couple is going through a invisible divorce :

  • the couple operates as a business where the main concerns would be children and finances;
  • there is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy between partners;
  • at least one of the two partners feels that their needs are not being met;
  • one and/or the other may go elsewhere to meet their physical or emotional needs.
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These couples would be like “parallel lines, living together but functioning separately”, illustrates the psychologist. So why don’t they break up? He reasons they are extremely diverse and varied according to Greenberg. It may be that one of the two spouses fears the financial consequences After a separation, some remain together for “the good of the children.” Others just aren’t ready to break away and make the decision to stay together even when you are not happy.

A frustrating and toxic married life

“These marriages are emotionally exhausting and frustrating,” adds the psychologist. As good as the reasons that would push you to remain in this type of union may seem, you put endangered his mental health and well-being. These people describe a daily life full of frustrations and disappointments. They feel disconnected from their partner. If you recognized yourself in the signs listed above, have them courage to face the situation, advises the therapist. “Try to renew the dialogue with your partner and restore healthy and harmonious communication. Talk about what worries you and your expectations, being as honest as possible, ”he recommends.

However, yes, the dialogue seems impossible or leads to a dead end, it is better to part when the feelings no longer exist. the invisible divorce it would be “toxic to both partners,” Greenberg concludes.

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Couple: the 3 worst love killers revealed by Science

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A healthy relationship is based on trust, sincere feelings, and a certain amount of personal sacrifice. But the recipe for happiness as a couple does not exist and human relationships are so complex that lovers can sometimes go through some storms. Of the routine small annoyances that can even destroy the intimacy of the couple, the discussions sometimes result from particular behaviors : love kills them. As its name indicates, a love killer is the trigger for a breakup or the end of love. This is what makes a person stop wanting her partner.

Australian researchers have investigated the question to scientifically identify the behaviors that could be the worst killers of love. To do this, they conducted a survey of 5,500 single people between the ages of 21 and 76. Participants had to determine what could turn them off in a potential mate (physical characteristics, behavior, etc.). Result: three answers stand out from the majority of the panel, allowing us to define the most devastating love killers.

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A permanent need for affection.

Finally, it is the excessive need for affection that, for 69% of women and 57% of men, can endanger a love relationship. People who constantly seek attention and displays of affection from your partner You may face relationship difficulties. Therefore, it is important to leave enough space so as not to undermine the other person’s sense of freedom. Lack of affection, also characteristic of Tinkerbell syndrome can be a sign of lack of self confidencewhich must be repaired at no cost to the member.

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