The division of household chores

Poll after poll, the verdict is the same: women make much more than men. They take care of the shopping, meals, laundry, ironing, cleaning, not to mention the many tasks related to the upbringing of the children. To this already known mental burden, is added the ” kinship”, a peculiarity, pointed out by sociologist Carolyn J. Rosenthal, that weighs heavily on women’s mental health. This additional burden further widens the gap between the distribution of daily tasks in the couple and designates the woman as “guardian of family cohesion and unity”.

The best husbands “help” their wives with all of these tasks, illustrating the difficulty of evenly dividing the famous mental load: it’s okay for a man to do the shopping. Think about the need to do them and do them without even talking to your partner, that’s much better! An observation made by Carolle & Serge Vidal-Graf, authors of But you never told me that! – Intimate communication in the couple, (ed. Jouvence).

money

What is mine is yours and vice versa? the theme of money in marriage it is often the source of many conflicts. Does each of the partners have their own personal bank account and feed a joint account for household expenses? In this case, according to which distribution key: 50% each or a proportional contribution to the income? What if one of them doesn’t work?

All of these issues, which are important in terms of the balance of power this will generate, are rarely discussed between the partners. A reality has been installed without having been the subject of real negotiation.

Tensions can be high: “you spend too much”, “you don’t earn enough”, “you are stingy”, etc.

The relationship of the couple with the families of origin

When the families of origin are very different – ​​culturally, economically, religiously… – the relationships of each member of the couple with the family of origin of the other can become a sensitive issue.

For one of them, visiting their in-laws every three months is completely enough, while for the other it is unthinkable not to see their parents every weekend.

When the families of origin are very different, spouses will sometimes have to display treasures of patience and tolerance in order not to endanger their partner.

Some allow themselves by mutual agreement not to frequent each other’s family – or only on very rare occasions – which avoids many disputes.

Sexuality

The main cause of conflict remains the difference in the rhythm of desire between the partners: one of the two (no, it is not always the man) wants to make love much more often than the other.

The other most common voltage sources:

• the predictability of sexual relations. There are no surprises anymore, the “program” is immutable, boredom arrives and with it, the loss of desire (yes, it is almost always women who complain about this predictability).
• a premature ejaculation, that is, an ejaculation that occurs at a moment judged subjectively too fast, which is not named. Great suffering for the man and for his partner, suffering aggravated by the silence that very often accompanies it.

How to talk about it?

Once these 5 issues have been identified, knowing how to talk about them can alleviate the tensions that they may generate. For this, Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf recommend psilent listening rattle.

This particular form of regular communication, say once a month, creates the best possible framework for reciprocal and in-depth listening, they explain. Specifically, what is it? While one talks, to address one of the sensitive issues, the other makes a formal commitment to do nothing but listen. He undertakes not to interrupt the speaker, not to ask questions, not to make comments or suggestions. He forces himself to honor this commitment until the speaker says, “I’m done, I said what I had to say.”

It is about letting yourself be touched by the words of the other: listen to his word as an expression of HIS truth and not of the truth.

When it is the other’s turn to speak, he will refrain from conceiving his speaking time as a response to what he has heard. It’s about sharing what you have to say and not reacting to what you just heard.

Silent listening is not a magic potion, a universal panacea, but it is a very valuable tool that really allows you to approach sensitive topics in a different way. You risk nothing by trying it!

A practical tip to finish: fix, at the end of each silent listening, the date of the next meeting! Otherwise, time passes and you risk “forgetting” to make an appointment…

=> TEST YOURSELF!

What do your couple conflicts say?
Daily love life is full of conflicts of all kinds. Opportunities to curse, take offense or argue are not lacking. Find out how they do or don’t conflict and what that says about your relationship.

By Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf