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5 sensitive topics that are slowly killing the couple and how to really talk about it

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The division of household chores

Poll after poll, the verdict is the same: women make much more than men. They take care of the shopping, meals, laundry, ironing, cleaning, not to mention the many tasks related to the upbringing of the children. To this already known mental burden, is added the ” kinship”, a peculiarity, pointed out by sociologist Carolyn J. Rosenthal, that weighs heavily on women’s mental health. This additional burden further widens the gap between the distribution of daily tasks in the couple and designates the woman as “guardian of family cohesion and unity”.

The best husbands “help” their wives with all of these tasks, illustrating the difficulty of evenly dividing the famous mental load: it’s okay for a man to do the shopping. Think about the need to do them and do them without even talking to your partner, that’s much better! An observation made by Carolle & Serge Vidal-Graf, authors of But you never told me that! – Intimate communication in the couple, (ed. Jouvence).

money

What is mine is yours and vice versa? the theme of money in marriage it is often the source of many conflicts. Does each of the partners have their own personal bank account and feed a joint account for household expenses? In this case, according to which distribution key: 50% each or a proportional contribution to the income? What if one of them doesn’t work?

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All of these issues, which are important in terms of the balance of power this will generate, are rarely discussed between the partners. A reality has been installed without having been the subject of real negotiation.

Tensions can be high: “you spend too much”, “you don’t earn enough”, “you are stingy”, etc.

The relationship of the couple with the families of origin

When the families of origin are very different – ​​culturally, economically, religiously… – the relationships of each member of the couple with the family of origin of the other can become a sensitive issue.

For one of them, visiting their in-laws every three months is completely enough, while for the other it is unthinkable not to see their parents every weekend.

When the families of origin are very different, spouses will sometimes have to display treasures of patience and tolerance in order not to endanger their partner.

Some allow themselves by mutual agreement not to frequent each other’s family – or only on very rare occasions – which avoids many disputes.

Sexuality

The main cause of conflict remains the difference in the rhythm of desire between the partners: one of the two (no, it is not always the man) wants to make love much more often than the other.

The other most common voltage sources:

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How to talk about it?

Once these 5 issues have been identified, knowing how to talk about them can alleviate the tensions that they may generate. For this, Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf recommend psilent listening rattle.

This particular form of regular communication, say once a month, creates the best possible framework for reciprocal and in-depth listening, they explain. Specifically, what is it? While one talks, to address one of the sensitive issues, the other makes a formal commitment to do nothing but listen. He undertakes not to interrupt the speaker, not to ask questions, not to make comments or suggestions. He forces himself to honor this commitment until the speaker says, “I’m done, I said what I had to say.”

It is about letting yourself be touched by the words of the other: listen to his word as an expression of HIS truth and not of the truth.

When it is the other’s turn to speak, he will refrain from conceiving his speaking time as a response to what he has heard. It’s about sharing what you have to say and not reacting to what you just heard.

Silent listening is not a magic potion, a universal panacea, but it is a very valuable tool that really allows you to approach sensitive topics in a different way. You risk nothing by trying it!

A practical tip to finish: fix, at the end of each silent listening, the date of the next meeting! Otherwise, time passes and you risk “forgetting” to make an appointment…

=> TEST YOURSELF!

What do your couple conflicts say?
Daily love life is full of conflicts of all kinds. Opportunities to curse, take offense or argue are not lacking. Find out how they do or don’t conflict and what that says about your relationship.

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By Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf

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Family / Couple

Tinker Bell – Tinker Bell Syndrome

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Tinker Bell fairies are bright and ambitious women who also happen to be great seductresses and manipulators. Eternally dissatisfied, the Clochettes hide, behind their obsession with appearance and success, great suffering. And they would be more and more numerous in our society. Explanations with psychotherapist Sylvie Tenenbaum.

He receives more and more in his office: brilliant women, who collect successes and professional achievements; hyperactive people who seek to control everything, starting with themselves; The “superwomen” doubled as great seductresses. So much so that Sylvie Tenenbaum, a psychotherapist, called them “Les Clochette”, in reference to the little fairy imagined by the writer James M. Barrie, with whom they share much in common. Starting with great suffering. We knew about the Peter Pan syndrome, or that of Cinderella or that of Sleeping Beauty. Now here is the tinkerbell syndrome.

The Bells are angry

Ambitious, often arrogant, perfectionists… The bells are ready to do anything to achieve their ends. “They are in a form of violence in front of life, because they take a form of revenge, analyzes Sylvie Tenenbaum. It’s also about revenge, in a difficult childhood, where they were often criticized, abused, humiliated, manipulated. During this, they stored a good dose of anger. And anger is energy, which they will later channel towards professional and social success. »

” He symptoms of tinker bell syndrome form a coherent whole, explains Sylvie Tenenbaum. We speak of syndrome when we recognize most of these signs in a single personality. »

The Clochettes are afraid of their emotions.

Tinkerbell fairies are women who have suffered a lot during their childhood. Of toxic fathers, possessive or self-centered mothers, misogynistic or absent fathers… “Most of the time they did not have the same permissions as their brothers, if they did, they did not value them as girls, or they raised them to be the first all. hour. So they told themselves that to be loved, you had to be successful. And above all, that they should not express their emotions. Which constitute, for them, real weaknesses. “They are afraid of them because they think they can take away their strength. And strength, it is true that they have a lot.

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How to manage the hassle?

Sometimes we react inappropriately and negatively when faced with a nuisance. However, it is not always pleasant either for oneself or for those around you.

Clochettes are great seducers

In terms of affective life, the Clochette multiply the encounters and conquests. But they are rarely satisfied. “The men they meet are never good enough. And since they do not have an easy character, at the slightest disappointment they are immediately fired. They have been so frustrated in the past that they cannot bear the slightest annoyance.

In fact, they despise men, having suffered greatly from their father during their childhood. Therefore, they just expect them to be worshipped. But in reality, the Tinkerbell suffers from a form of emotional dependency. “They are still little girls waiting to be loved unconditionally. Very unconsciously, they expect men to repair their psycho-affective life. But it can’t work because nobody can give them what they didn’t receive in childhood”.

The Tinkerbells hurt each other

Their affective, professional and social hyperactivity allows them in any case one thing: not to think about their suffering. Because if the Clochettes seem to succeed at everything, they are actually suffering. Injure. Victims of themselves. “They don’t know who they are. They didn’t even ask the question. They just live to prove that they are the best, the most beautiful, the strongest. They are in a form of intoxication. Most of the time, they realize very late the loneliness in which they are locked up. And then they become aware of their immense sadness for not having been loved enough or badly.

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Childhood stress, difficult to detect and often underestimated

Just like adults, children can become unsettled and stressed by changes in landmarks or unusual events.

The bells hurt

Meanwhile, they do a lot of damage to those around them. For this egocentric womeninsensitive, manipulative, tyrannical and jealous, “others are objects at his service”. They don’t respect them. They would like the world to live just for them. We have been tyrannical with them for so long. Unfortunately, they copied their models. But this damage that they do and that they do to themselves, they don’t even realize.

tinker bells can break free

Fortunately, the Clochettes can change, “live better, have less heartbreak.” On condition of being helped. “It is a difficult path because it generates a lot of awareness. In particular that of having made others suffer. Generally, they are not proud of it. »

The key to transformation? “The repair of the girl that is in them and that she is still waiting for marks of love. It’s time to cultivate it”. Also renounce omnipotence, to meet your own emotions. And above all, “learn to love yourself better, to love yourself better”.

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Couple: are you in an “invisible divorce”?

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Life together is far from being a long and calm river. If some couples end divorce Where break awayOthers stick together, but not always for the right reasons. In a Article From Psychology Today, Barbara Greenberg, Psy.D., explains this new phenomenon she has encountered as a therapist: invisible divorce. Some couples seem to work perfectly on the outside, they look happy on social media and their vacation photos are idyllic. However, under the social veneer, the reality is much less rosy. These couples are nothing more than a partnership that operates almost like a business. Explanations.

The 4 signs of an invisible divorce

We all knew this couple who looked so perfect, to whom everything seemed to succeed. we envy them secretly, wishing they were as happy as they looked. And then what was our surprise when we found out a few years after their separation. The phrase “invisible divorce” might be a good description of what was going on in your privacy : these couples had evolved separately and their union was ultimately just a facade.

the doctor Barbara Greenberg identified some signs that he believes could indicate that a couple is going through a invisible divorce :

  • the couple operates as a business where the main concerns would be children and finances;
  • there is a lack of emotional and physical intimacy between partners;
  • at least one of the two partners feels that their needs are not being met;
  • one and/or the other may go elsewhere to meet their physical or emotional needs.
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These couples would be like “parallel lines, living together but functioning separately”, illustrates the psychologist. So why don’t they break up? He reasons they are extremely diverse and varied according to Greenberg. It may be that one of the two spouses fears the financial consequences After a separation, some remain together for “the good of the children.” Others just aren’t ready to break away and make the decision to stay together even when you are not happy.

A frustrating and toxic married life

“These marriages are emotionally exhausting and frustrating,” adds the psychologist. As good as the reasons that would push you to remain in this type of union may seem, you put endangered his mental health and well-being. These people describe a daily life full of frustrations and disappointments. They feel disconnected from their partner. If you recognized yourself in the signs listed above, have them courage to face the situation, advises the therapist. “Try to renew the dialogue with your partner and restore healthy and harmonious communication. Talk about what worries you and your expectations, being as honest as possible, ”he recommends.

However, yes, the dialogue seems impossible or leads to a dead end, it is better to part when the feelings no longer exist. the invisible divorce it would be “toxic to both partners,” Greenberg concludes.

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Family / Couple

Couple: the 3 worst love killers revealed by Science

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A healthy relationship is based on trust, sincere feelings, and a certain amount of personal sacrifice. But the recipe for happiness as a couple does not exist and human relationships are so complex that lovers can sometimes go through some storms. Of the routine small annoyances that can even destroy the intimacy of the couple, the discussions sometimes result from particular behaviors : love kills them. As its name indicates, a love killer is the trigger for a breakup or the end of love. This is what makes a person stop wanting her partner.

Australian researchers have investigated the question to scientifically identify the behaviors that could be the worst killers of love. To do this, they conducted a survey of 5,500 single people between the ages of 21 and 76. Participants had to determine what could turn them off in a potential mate (physical characteristics, behavior, etc.). Result: three answers stand out from the majority of the panel, allowing us to define the most devastating love killers.

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A permanent need for affection.

Finally, it is the excessive need for affection that, for 69% of women and 57% of men, can endanger a love relationship. People who constantly seek attention and displays of affection from your partner You may face relationship difficulties. Therefore, it is important to leave enough space so as not to undermine the other person’s sense of freedom. Lack of affection, also characteristic of Tinkerbell syndrome can be a sign of lack of self confidencewhich must be repaired at no cost to the member.

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